With all the stories these past few days about the use of animals during a time of war, animal-rights activists must have their hemp undies in a wad.
Some of these uses are ages old. Horses have been used in war since the day it was invented. The day battle was invented was, of course, a moment after Eve asked Adam, “What are you thinking?” Horses have always gotten a raw deal in any war. They carry sweaty, smelly people on their backs, are expected to be able to run for hours on end, have their shoes nailed on, and if they break a leg, they get shot.
Animal-rights activists have, for now, forgotten about the horses – which actually do have rotten lives, now that I think of it – and are now focused on an area of the world where a greater injustice is taking place. The misery, torture, brutality and genuine lack of regard for life has them freaking out. People? Of course not. We’re talking serious problems here – like monkeys and dolphins.
Their week got off to a bad start, after being reminded that dolphins are being, and have been, used by the U.S. Navy for decades for tasks such as mine detection. These dolphins have been trained to release a marker when they come upon dangerous underwater obstacles, such as a mine or Ted Kennedy’s car.
Recently, 75 bottle-nosed dolphins (so named because of how they looked after finding Kennedy’s car) were flown to the southern Iraqi port of Umm Qasr, a city which was apparently also spelled by dolphins. Once in place in the gulf near Bahrain, the dolphins use their natural sonar abilities to, in a relatively safe way, do what it would take humans much longer and at greater expense, both financially and in lives.
As is the case with any venture that helps save human lives, animal-rights activists are bothered by this. “The Navy is putting these animals intentionally in harm’s way,” said Stephanie Boyles, wildlife biologist at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Nan Rice, of the Dolphin Action and Protection Group, is vehemently opposed to “any animal” being used in battle. You can see that animal-rights groups use trained animals too.
If all that wasn’t enough to put a twist in the tofu jerky of PETA and the like, along came the Moroccan army with an offer to supply coalition forces with a couple thousand monkeys to be used to sweep minefields.
In what must be an incredibly disgusting hundred-yard dash, monkeys are used to run across minefields where they would unknowingly step on one, detonate it, and fling poo at each other no more. You would think that, after a while, the veterans (monkeys who have survived on the job for more than 10 minutes) would figure out not to step on those lumps of dirt after witnessing those in front of them being turned into primate spackle. The monkeys that do realize what they’re into then stop, and their attempt to get back to the safe zone becomes the most dangerous game of Twister ever played.
Our government says they won’t take Morocco up on their generous monkey offer, since they’re already clearing minefields by rolling dolphins across them. (Just seeing if the PETA folks are still paying attention.)
Animals can be great tools. They can be used to pull plows, fill stomachs and help win wars. Animal-rights activists should take comfort, however, in that animals are never made to do any of the really dangerous stuff, like storming a beachhead or a low-level bombing run.
If that was the case, your history books would be filled with stories of “The Rooster Rangers of Pointe du Hoc,” who bravely pecked their way up the cliffs of Normandy as the Germans shot batter dip and hot oil at them. You’d hear more about Australia’s elite “Emu Brigade,” who took Lt. Gen. Sir William Birdwood under their wings, protecting him from flying bullets during his landing at Gallipoli in 1915. The “Status quail,” indifferent French messenger birds and the inspiration for the film “All’s Nationalized on the Western Front,” would also be fondly remembered.
An animal’s job in wartime isn’t glamorous, but can be essential in saving human life. In the case of the current conflict, if they can help expedite the removal of a savage dictator, save Iraqi citizens from torture and starvation, and protect coalition lives, then bring ’em on. PETA won’t ever back it, of course, for the only animals that you’ll never see them protesting to receive “ethical treatment” are humans.
