When over stressed, as we tend to get in times of war, we have a psychological need to seek out humorous stories, adopting them like an orphan who wandered too close to Mia Farrow. Fortunately for us, these past few days, the news has presented us with the comic equivalent of the baby boom at the end of World War II, making it virtually impossible to choose a single topic to write about this week.
My writing session a few days ago started out innocently enough. I sat down, intending to write about how Ronald Reagan would have handled the current war on terrorism. How a Reagan presidency in a post 9-11 world would, at this very minute, be using a generous application of “Orange-glo” to scrub the stain out of the terrorist couches that are Saudi Arabia, Iran and others. That column was well into its third paragraph when I read about the “Deck of Evil.”
The “Deck of Evil” – 55 playing cards with Iraq’s Most Wanted on them. By taking some of the world’s most wanted regime leaders and plastering their mugs on playing cards, the dictator and his henchmen are not only aware that they’re wanted for crimes against humanity, but now will also suffer the uneasiness of knowing that at every moment, somewhere, they’re being talked about over a spirited game of Canasta. It’s also going to be cute to watch our kids play “Go Fish” with them, as an adorable, tiny voice says, “Do you have any Samir Abd Al-Aziz Al-Najim’s?”
Too bad they didn’t find room to make a card with the picture of the president of France on it so the kids can play “Slap Jacques.”
After I switched from Reagan to the topic of “The Deck of Evil,” I heard a speech that actor-activist – no, wait, make that activist-actor – Tim Robbins gave to the National Press Club. The text of the speech in and of itself doesn’t do it justice – it must be heard to be fully appreciated. Robbins spoke with a histrionical brio not heard since an out-of-breath Richard Burton accidentally answered the phone in Liz’s dressing room on the set of “Cleopatra,” and then had to convince Eddie Fisher that he was only a gaffer.
Robbins’ speech was nicely dressed and contained beautifully enunciated, fluid opinions that constantly needed to be replenished because they seeped out through all the holes in the logic. It was Dom Perignon served in a colander. The speech was delivered with an authoritative swagger that only the most talented of actors can pretend to have, but seemed out of place for Robbins, who came across like Bullwinkle struggling to sound Churchillian.
“We lay the continuance of our democracy on your desks, and count on your pens to be mightier. Millions are watching and waiting in mute frustration and hope – hoping for someone to defend the spirit and letter of our Constitution …”
That sound you just heard was Sir Winston spitting up scotch. It never occurred to Winnie to throw Bic ball-points at the Blitzkrieg.
So, after scrapping the “Deck of Evil” column, and starting on an article about Robbins’ speech, I was confronted with a news item of potentially epic humor proportions. The story falls heavily into the “rumor” category, but nonetheless, it made me put the Robbins idea on hold in order to bow toward what may come to be the Mecca of hilarity. Yahoo Entertainment reported gossip that Saddam Hussein may have starred in a homosexual porno movie in the late ’60s.
The story said that a 16mm film containing grainy images of Hussein and his sweaty, undulating beret, has been discovered by unfortunate, and now forever traumatized, Kuwaiti police. Still no word on whether or not there’s a cameo appearance by Bob Crane in the film. Though I’m tempted to come up with tasteless titles for Hussein’s movie, such as “Sheik, Rattle and Roll” or “Ba’ath-house Party,” I’ll fight the urge.
It then occurred to me that it’s no wonder many in Hollywood didn’t want to get rid of Saddam Hussein – he could be a fellow actor. It’s against every bylaw in the Screen Actors Guild handbook to kill a colleague, especially one who may have been “gay.” They weren’t necessarily against the war, they just didn’t want to be accused of homophobia.
Now we’re witnessing a constant stream of looting in Iraq – either that, or Baghdad Public Television was filming a recreation of the Clintons’ last day in the White House.
Things are getting funny again, which means we’re getting back to normal. This is a good thing.
