I must have one, I simply must.
My own DUH-Be-Ya doll. The walking, talking, $29.99 plaything that puts “your own personal president” within reach of the average citizen’s pocketbook, tax-cut or no.
With his skyrocketing approval ratings, now you, too, can hear the Doll-in-Chief speak, for yourself. You can hear him actually say, “Freedom will be defended,” and “Terrorism against our nation will not stand,” using what the manufacturer claims are real voice clips from actual speeches and campaign stops.
Imagine that. Allegedly authentic sound bites. What a treat.
Yes, here’s American entrepreneurial genius in all its glory, second only, perhaps, to the U.S. government savants who created that “Deck of Death,” official Pentagon playing cards featuring the faces of 55 “Most Wanted” Iraqi fugitives, which my romantically twisted friend “Anya” wants to order to enhance her personal sex fantasies of thugs and criminals.
Meanwhile, the doll company calls President George W. Bush “a true action hero.” Don’t they really mean Gen. Tommy Franks, who has perfected the art of running a long-distance war from afar? But see for yourself – visit their visionary website: “Welcome to Talking Presidents dot com. We’re the creators of the first and only talking presidential action figures. Our first release, President George W. Bush, says 17 different phrases in his own voice. Some phrases are political, some patriotic, while others show his comedic use [or misuse] of the English language.”
Just “press the button on George’s back,” they instruct, hear him say an array of “powerful and patriotic phrases.”
If you’re among countless millions of Americans thrilled spellbound by stirring presidential speeches on America’s preemptive military might as a peace-keeping nation and other global paradoxes and conundrums, this Doll-in-Chief product may be for you.
However, you will not hear him ask, “What’s a museum“?
You could even use the doll to distract yourself from the depressing spate of inevitable downer post-war-crash headlines, like “U.S. Budget Deficit Projections Surge.”
How high can you count?
The Irvine, Calif., presidential “action hero” company – natch – completely sold out its first edition of DUH-Be-Ya Dolls, due to an unprecedented avalanche of orders, including more than 12,000 last Christmas alone.
And so did the Bush Library.
When I phoned the library, an incredibly nice-as-pie Texas lady drawls irresistibly, unprompted, “Oh, Democrats just looove the Dubya Doll. They get the doll for all their friends. It sounds just like him – those voice tapes are very high quality. But it doesn’t really look like him. Mama Bush said it reminds her of that piano player … I can’t remember his name … oh, Jerry Lewis, Jerry Lee Lewis. And some folks say it looks like Ross Perot. Others say Prince Charles. But it’s a great doll …”
Meanwhile, revel in the knowledge you’ll be purchasing “a collectable [sic] doll … in an elegant display box,” the company promises, suitable for both political aficionados and education-minded children keenly interested in history.
Also, apparently, your favorite liberal hankering for voodoo.
Currently the company’s website declares they “cannot ship out of the U.S., but will in the future. Until then, for international orders, please visit America! Store for international shipping.”
So I meander on over to that “America!” website, an eye-poppingly patriotic appeal to your … wallet. “Highlighting America! Gifts, clothing and flags!” You can even shop by theme, from “Sept. 11, 2001,” to “War on Terrorism.”
For now, I want uplift and inspiration, and I’m not talking about bras.
Stationed to the far right is the musical “George W. Bush Jack-in-the-Box.” I am not making this up:
This collectible toy is destined to become an American classic. For a “Commander in Chief” performance, turn the handle to play the triumphant “Hail to the Chief.” Out pops the President, standing before an official Presidential Podium, poised and ready to address the Nation. The exterior of the metal box shows the North, South, East, and West views of the White House. Imported.
Imported? How positively patriotic.
From where? I must know. So I dial “America!” customer service. “Actually, I have one on my Sample Table. Let me check the bottom of it,” replies a helpful woman, who, after putting me on hold for a moment, allowing me to digest some jingoistic Muzak, returns and informs me, without the slightest trace of embarrassment at the utter incongruity of her admission, “China.”
Oops! I guess they could always blame it on Clinton.
