The crowd is gathering. Grab a lawn chair, and get a good spot near the computer screen.
Here comes the first float now. It’s a tribute to the U.S. military. Adorned in Old Glory and with a bronze statue depicting American soldiers raising the flag on Iwo Jima, the U.S. military float commemorates those Americans who have fought and died for freedom. Seen walking nearby are Michael Moore and Susan Sarandon, who are roundly criticizing the float, but staying close enough to hide behind it in case trouble starts.
Marching closely behind, throwing candy to kids, and occasionally “accidentally” bayoneting Moore’s frumpy potato sack of a butt, are representatives from all branches of the service. When I say “marching,” I mean a nice, unified walk. The U.S. military doesn’t waste energy on flagrantly over-exaggerated marches, like the limp-wristed goose-step and other “Chorus Line-ish” promenades that prove nothing other than that particular army is from a nation that is led by a sociopathic control freak who is a wannabe Broadway director.
As the parade moves on by, I see the Veterans of Foreign Wars float carrying dozens of veterans. The crowd waves their flags and salutes as a tribute to these brave patriots and their fallen comrades. Yes, those seem to be prisoners taken by the veterans riding on the float, but I’m told it’s just a tour group from Paris who inexplicably surrendered to one of the items on the VFW’s display table, which is a World War II German army helmet with no German under it. These French may have soiled themselves, but it will never dampen the spirit of the VFW.
Coming up next are the Allies of the U.S. floats. Waving to the crowd from three separate displays, each sporting a “great battles” theme, are representatives from Great Britain, Spain and Australia. The theme of the floats is a tribute to great conflicts in the history of the respective countries. The U.K. is honoring Gen. Montgomery’s victory at El Alamein in 1942. Spain is paying tribute to the 1925 landing at Alhucemas and the quelling of the Rif rebellion, and Australia is depicting the legendary Cruise /Kidman custody battle.
Here comes the sniveling celebrities float. This giant rolling soapbox carries a group of people who are illustrating that all wars are unnecessary, gross injustices to humanity, immoral and illegal schemes that serve only the selfish and greedy whims of old white men, and great topics from which to make a fortune for themselves, Dreamworks SKG and Paramount.
Making its way up the avenue now is the dour Dems float. Daschle, Kerry, Hillary and others are along for a ride on this giant yellow plaster cast speed bump. The looks on their faces are as empty as Patty Murray’s CAT-scan photo as they cruise the parade route and see their poll numbers dropping like pants at a Dodd /Kennedy luncheon. The pace of the parade is slowed as a chocolate-faced Dick Gephardt keeps jumping off to impose a “candy tax” on unsuspecting kids and Barney Frank solicits signatures on a petition to add “lavender” to the list of colors on the Homeland Security threat-level meter.
Following closely is Sen. Robert Byrd. He’s driving a Cadillac El Dorado, but I don’t think he’s supposed to be in the parade. Yes … I’m now being told he’s simply lost. The senator looks confused and keeps muttering something about “Mammy fixin’ up more corn bread.”
To kill time until security lures him away from the parade route using a fake podium and microphone as bait, here are a couple of interesting facts about Sen. Byrd: His senate speeches have been used by riot police to anesthetize angry mobs; he’s introduced legislation to have the country renamed “Byrdland”; and once, when unable to get to the grocery store during a blizzard, he was forced to use one of his old KKK hoods as a coffee filter. Now back to the parade.
Here come the Dixie Chicks, with leader Natalie Maines atop a huge balloon. Looming three stories above the street and filled with hundreds of pounds of gas, it takes a team of a dozen men with ropes to keep the over-inflated monstrosity from going off on a flight of fancy.
They seem to be having some trouble controlling the balloon, as well.
The parade was supposed to be brought to a close with the Russian, French and German floats rolling by, but word is that before the parade, President Bush gave them $25,000 in cash, cowboy hats encrusted in diamonds and bogus directions to a bad neighborhood.
See you at next year’s parade, and God bless our military, past and present. May they rest in the knowledge that, for most Americans, every day is Memorial Day.
