Isn't it amazing devilishly freaky Michael Jackson and freakily devilish Osama bin Laden – both former reputed near-billionaires, are each running out of money at the same time. And here I thought it was just me.
So it's a huge relief to learn via the Associated Press the profligate, plasticized prince of pop may be on the brink of bankruptcy, allegedly living a scant two months ahead of the poorhouse – if you believe Jacko's former financial advisers, who are suing him for millions. They reportedly refer to him as "a ticking financial time bomb waiting to explode at any moment."
Sounds like they're mixing him up with the volatile and perennially on-the-lam Osama, whose cash-strapped al-Qaida coffers, says the New York Daily News, are nearly empty – I think after settling up those astronomical terror-network cell-phone bills.
I weep for neither.
Clearly they are both cavalier spendthrifts who squandered their riches – and on stupid purchases, to boot. Looks like the Bushwah administration's massive tax cut will be too little, too late, for their benefit.
Perhaps they eventually will wither away like the state under Marxism.
Nor can I solicit my trusty accountant's suggestions for these two fallen financial fellows. Alas, "Wodehouse," let's call him, is temporarily incommunicado, riding in a car with his dog somewhere in transit between New Jersey and New York state, having done the chivalrous thing and driven hundreds of miles to the aid and succor of his lady love's dire tire emergency.
I'd just been desperately seeking him after catching up with an old friend online who's moved from Kentucky to Hilton Head Island resort. Not that I envy anyone, but when she announced, "Now I'm living in Paradise," I have to say my breath caught, and I actually started counting the money I don't have currently. "Costly," she agreed, "but definitely worth it."
Meanwhile – besides turning themselves in to the feds, which I urge them to do immediately: Michael, you could get a government-issued nose, definitely newer and better, it's the next big surgical thing, and Osama, what do YOU want most, the opportunity to rebuild Amtrak? – how could MJ and OBL possibly recoup their fortunes? More to the point, how might I make mine in today's iffy economy? Besides marrying a millionaire, I mean?
Somehow I can't quite imagine Michael Jackson releasing a blatantly urgent rock video version of the old Berry Gordy Motown tune originally done in 1960 by Barrett Strong, but later by the Beatles, Diana Ross, Hanson and perhaps even your supermarket bag boy, "Money (That's What I Want)," the lyrics of which include, appropriately enough, "Now give me money ... lots of money ... that's what I want."
Although I can imagine – but barely – Osama and his band of desert thugs parading down the runway of a benefit Bachelor Auction, strutting like sheiks as legions of overpaid single women, rapidly fanning themselves with spare thousand-dollar bills, bid outrageous sums for brief "dates" with these "exotic" dudes, the charity being ... Osama – offering a sensual "heavenly evening" or at least some decent Baklava for a change – and they don't have to blow themselves or a building up to achieve a thrill or two.
Meanwhile, guess who's asking for even more money? Your election-snatching buddies at Bush-Cheney '04, Inc. "In all these days of promise and days of reckoning, we can be confident. In a whirlwind of change and hope and peril, our faith is sure, our resolve is firm and our union is strong," saith the Bushling, stirringly quoted therein, as he thrusts his fist upward in America's face.
Yup, my friend's cat is – no lie – included on a Bushwah administration fundraising SPAM mailing list, and mucho moolah is what those masters of machination want, too, after they lubricate the process with that sickening slab of political propaganda, and this oh-so-explicit addendum:
Donate now! Please enter your donation in whole numbers: 2000, 1000, 750, 100, 50, 25 ... Contributions to Bush Cheney '04, Inc. are not tax deductible for federal income tax purposes. Federal law requires us to obtain and report the name, mailing address, occupation and name of the individuals whose contributions exceed $200 per election cycle. An individual's contribution limit to Bush-Cheney '04, Inc. is $2,000.00. Funds received in response to this solicitation will be subject to federal contribution limits. Contributions from corporations and foreign nationals are prohibited.
Positively daunting. But, let's hope, not permanently so.