What world leaders
are really saying

Bush Braces for Meeting With French and German Leaders
–Recent New York Times headline

What’s the best metaphor to describe President Bush’s upcoming meeting with French President Jacques Chirac and German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder scheduled for Evian France?

Will the winsome threesome hold hands and sing “Kumbaya”? That’s what one egghead from the Brookings Institution thinks is possible. But on the other hand (Oh, do I understand Harry Truman’s plea for one-handed advisers), he also thinks it’s possible that the meeting might be “like a schoolyard with bullies on opposite sides just glaring at each other and still angry about the fight they just had.” Secretary of State Colin “Talk-the-Talk” Powell prefers another metaphor – Oprah-style. Referring to Franco-American relations, he has reportedly said that “it’s just another squabble in a relationship that has been in marriage counseling for 225 years.”

I think these attempts to personalize the Evian Summit are na?ve. After all, Bush, Chirac and Schroeder are veteran politicians, tough, two-fisted bargainers who over hard whiskey and strong cigars will say what they mean and mean what they say. In fact, I’ve consulted an oracle that had provided me with an advance copy of the secret transcript from the Evian Summit. And being an oracle, she’s not only provided me with what was said, but has also given me what everybody was thinking. (She was kind enough to italicize the thought portion.) I have her permission to quote a few excerpts:

Bush: Good morning, Mr. President Chirac. (You ungrateful, back-stabbing snail-eater.)

Chirac: Good morning, Mr. President Bush, and welcome to France. (You stupid cowboy. I wonder if you even tie your own neckties?)

Schroeder: Gentlemen, I’m delighted to be able to join you here. (Thanks to Grecian Formula 16, I look younger than both of these clowns)

Chirac: Mr. President, I think we should come directly to the point about our greatest difference – the situation in Iraq. (Oui, oui, cowboy, I admit it, so you got your Iraqi SUV juice.)

Schroeder: Yes, Mr. President Bush, this situation has created regrettable divisions among us. We must strive to heal these. (Ach du lieber! That Chirac’s almost bald! Why doesn’t he get hair implants? OK, so he would have toy doll hair, but only for a year or so.)

Bush: Gentlemen, there are important world economic and security interests at stake here. It is not in the West’s interests to remain divided – whatever our philosophical differences might be. (Let’s see how greedy these two weasels really are.)

Chirac: I agree, Mr. President, I agree. (Is this guy offering to cut us in for some of that Iraqi SUV juice?)

Schroeder: Yes, Mr. President. Let me add that I am delighted with your recent initiative on a new Israeli-Palestinian peace process. (Screw the PLO, they’re Bush’s problem now. Who cares, especially if I can get cut in on some of those Iraqi rebuilding contracts. And I ain’t just talking about the hobby camera market, either.)

Bush: The question is how best to achieve unity between the United States and Europe on the security issues. (I’ll bet the Frog takes a dive for 20 percent of the oil pumping contracts; the Kraut just wants to fix up Iraq utilities and take a cut of the camera market.)

Chirac: Mr. President, I’m moved by your generous sentiments. (He owes me for 10 percent of the pumping contracts. As my papa used to say, “10 percent of a baguette is better than none.”)

Schroeder: But Mr. President, is complete reconciliation possible? Is it even desirable? After all, we are free and free-thinking democratic states. (I want the utility repair, and at least half of the chemical and pharmaceutical market. OK, If Iraq can’t buy from us anymore to make anthrax, maybe they can buy from us to cure it.)

Bush: I see a bright new dawn for the Western alliance. (You know, that Chirac’s not so stupid after all. But Schroeder? What a yutz!)

Schroeder: I, too, can almost see the dawn. (OK, so I’ll forget about Iraqi pharmaceuticals.)

Chirac: I definitely see the dawn, Mr. President. (Maybe TotalFinaElf can get 15 percent of the pumping contracts.)

Bush: Mr. Schroeder, you have the reputation of a great visionary. A far-seeing visionary. (C’mon, you dummkopf. Just take the short money and count your blessings.)

Schroeder: I can see it now, Mr. President, yes, there is a new dawn. (Is now the right time to bring up the Iranian chemical and pharmaceutical markets?)

News Item: The United States, France and Germany issued a joint statement today pledging unity in the effort to bring peace and prosperity to the people of Iraq.