From the pool of Democrats who have declared themselves as presidential candidates, Sen. John Kerry was the leading choice in a recent Zogby poll of New Hampshire Democrats. If the Democrats hire an honest and credible consultant, unless the Law of Contradicting Terms makes that impossible, they’ll conclude that the reason for their failings in past presidential races was due to the fact that their nominee got defeated in the hair department.
In past Democrat defeats, their candidate always had the worst hair. Reagan had better hair than Carter; George H.W. Bush had better hair than Dukakis, who looked as if his hair had mated and given birth to twin eyebrows; and I think George W. Bush had slightly better hair than Gore, though that’s debatable, and as a result we got one of the closest elections in history.
When Democrats won, their man had the best hair. JFK was the first to understand the power of the television camera and looked great during his debate with Nixon, while Dick’s hair got sweaty due to the heat of the lights, and the stress of knowing that a Kennedy brother was probably backstage hitting on Pat. Carter had better hair than Ford. Then came Clinton, whose hair looked better than both of the men he defeated, even though it sometimes turned white with weird blue streaks, making us wonder if Hillary had pelted him with urinal cakes.
1964-1976 were “the dark ages” of presidential hair. All candidates from both parties had hair problems. Johnson, Goldwater, Nixon, McGovern and Humphrey were each issued a limited number of hairs and told to make the best of it. The fact that this was a period of great protest in this country is of no simple coincidence.
If the Democrats have learned anything from history, they’ll go for the one with the better hair in choosing a candidate for 2004.
Kerry is the clear winner in this category. Each hair is tagged, numbered and hand-placed by a licensed, bonded and insured beautician. It’s playfully poofy, but not bloated. Many voters feel a certain kinship with Kerry’s hair, mainly because they know they make a contribution to his quest for eternal bouffant perfection every time they buy a bottle of ketchup.
Following closely behind Kerry in the hair department is Sen. John Edwards. It’s the standard gentlemen’s cut, but it contradicts his politics, since the part is too far to the right. Edwards’ hair looks a lot like Janet Reno’s, but lacks the authoritative nature that can only be pulled off by a man’s haircut on a woman the size of a Winnebago.
Dennis Kucinich has a cut similar to Edwards, but is the mirror opposite, since it’s parted far to the left, and much darker, making it look as though, somewhere, either Marv Albert is engaged in a frantic search for his toupee or a bathroom with a Goth motif is missing a toilet seat cover.
Howard Dean has somewhat thinner hair, but well-groomed. Stately, closely shorn, and graying in all the right areas, Dean’s hair can hold its own with some of the other candidates, but is still no match for the mighty Boston Bouffant on the senator from Massachusetts. In any debate, Kerry’s hair will make Dean’s hair its woman.
Dick Gephardt and Joe Lieberman’s hair are old-school ugly. Gephardt, the man with the most accurate and self-descriptive first name in all of politics, has a short, carefully combed ‘do with a synthetic sheen to it, kind of like if you spilled floor wax on a wiener dog.
Lieberman’s given up all together on his hair. This is ol’ Joe’s final run, since the Democrats may soon recognize the futility of a candidate with bad hair, and his only job after that will be as an understudy to the quiet one in Penn & Teller.
Bob Graham’s got enough hair to win, but you can tell that he and John Ashcroft go to the same barber, so that won’t play with the hard left. Carol Mosley-Braun has her hair pulled back so tight it looks as if her face is going to be ripped in half, allowing a tsunami of dumb ideas to come spilling out all at once, instead of the daily trickle we get now. Al Sharpton’s head is so oily it has a viscosity rating, and an endorsement from Pennzoil won’t be enough to get the nomination.
If my hair theory holds water, then Kerry will be his party’s nominee. Does he have better hair than Bush? Let the games begin!
For photos and further exploration of the chances of these Democrats, go and “Meet the Candidates Hair.”
