Many in the country were shocked when the United States Supreme Court overturned the Texas anti-sodomy law. With the Court meddling where it didn’t belong (which is sort of what sodomy is, so we shouldn’t be surprised six members of the court overturned the law via their own brand of “judicial buggery”), they’ve opened the floodgates, and will now have to hear cases from every special-interest group, sexual orientation, activist simp and annoying dweeb in the nation. I hope they have fun, because my bet is that the Court’s docket will soon be full with cases such as these:
Tree v. Greenpeace – A California Redwood accuses an environmental activist of inappropriate touching after receiving an unsolicited embrace from a tree-hugger. Prediction: Environmental activists are temporarily ordered to stay at least 100 yards away from all trees. Texas later lobbies that exceptions should be made for hangings.
Kerry v. breeze – Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry will seek a restraining order against rapidly moving air that has the frightening potential to mess up his hair at any given moment. Prediction: The breeze emerges victorious after it wins key votes from bad hair justices unsympathetic to Kerry’s plight, and after a moving speech delivered by James Traficant in the exercise yard at Allenwood Federal Corrections Institution.
Attention Deficit Disorder v. Hasbro – The maker of all sorts of games and puzzles insensitive to the distractively challenged, including “Concentration” and “Rubik’s Cube”, will be sued to remove from store shelves any games which take over 30 seconds to play. Prediction: The pro-brevity folks will win the day, despite assurance from Hasbro that they would make games such as “Connect One” and “‘Coordinating Conjunction-Only’ Scrabble.”
Pantsuit v. Hillary – Former First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton is sued by her outfit, which claims defamation of character for its forced association with a cold, callous, carpetbagger. The pantsuit also claims it wrote “Living History” without credit or compensation. Prediction: Though court members view the pantsuit as not nearly as put-upon as Monica’s dress was in the case of “Blue jumper v. Bubba,” the majority of justices don’t buy its “discredit by association” argument, but do agree that most or all of “Living History” could have been written by a pantsuit, and award it compensatory damages.
Newdow v. Churches – Michael Newdow, the man who fought a First Amendment battle to have the words “under God” removed from the Pledge of Allegiance, now sets his sights on having the word “Jesus” removed from all Christian places of worship, arguing that his daughter has the right to attend church without having deity of any sort forced on her. Prediction: Churches win … sort of. The Court rules that churches can keep likenesses and talk about Jesus whenever they please, but if they do, they must also mention Buddha, Allah, the “Great Spirit,” Hale Bopp, those statues on Easter Island, etc., just so worshippers are presented with all the alternatives.
Entertainment industry v. Aerosol spray – Activist celebrities petition to have all artificially produced greenhouse gasses banned. Prediction: Court agrees, and places a gag order on Hollywood. Experts say celebrities would have fared better in the case if Sean Penn hadn’t told the Court that he thought “ozone layer” was a porno movie.
Stephanopoulos v. A.C. Nielsen – Losing in the ratings to the “Watching Paint Dry Channel,” former Clinton adviser and host of ABC’s “This Week With George Stephanopoulos” accuses those in charge of the Nielsen ratings system of measuring according to the height of the host. Prediction: Court finds that A.C. Nielsen isn’t heightist, but that the sampling of only those named “Nielsen” is unfair to Greeks, skewing the numbers against people with names like Stephanopoulos, and orders Nielsen to add 3 rating points the next time a biography of Aristotle Onassis is shown.
People Against Idiocy v. Leftist bumper stickers – Seeking to make the roads safe for common sense, the “People Against Idiocy” seek a ban on all sub-moronic, touchy-feely road literature, such as “You can’t hug your kids with nuclear arms,” “Think globally, act locally,” “Jesus was a liberal” … and the ultimate empty-headed dipknob mantra: “Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty.” Prediction: Court rules that those bumper stickers are covered under the freedom of speech umbrella, but those “My kid is an honor student” ones have to go because they are elitist braggadocio, harmful to the self-esteem of parents of the learning challenged.
Cases pending by the end of the year:
Illegal immigrants v. Fences
Planned Parenthood v. Unplanned childhood
Shatner v. Live Wolverine Toupees Inc.
Mother Goose v. Jesse Jackson
Lactose v. Intolerance
Hamster v. Defective exercise wheel
Supreme Court v. Recall effort
The high cost of ‘free’ money
John Stossel