Senate to get an extra Springer in its step?

Jerry Springer has officially filed to run for U.S. Senate in Ohio. Could the host of the not-so-legendary show, which takes a stage full of defective DNA with IQs that score about as high as your average European soccer match, win the election? Let’s stand back – way back – and watch.

Despite the official filing, Springer has yet to decide whether or not he’ll actually run. With Jerry’s current career on television, he earns millions of dollars for being surrounded by all the screaming, yelling, cussing and finger-pointing from a bunch of clueless echo-skulled pinheads and hell-bent-on-destruction white trash. If he’s a senator, he’ll have to do the exact same thing for about $155,000 a year. Which would you pick?

Springer actually has political experience. He was a city councilman and mayor of Cincinnati back in the ’70s. I’m not sure if it will be advisable for him to bring that up, however, since to some people, reminding them that you have “political experience” is like trying to gain the trust of a neighborhood dog after he’s already seen you lure a few of his friends through the backdoor entrance to a Korean restaurant.

Think about it. Springer already has the vote of some Ohioans who are addicted to his show. Should he decide to carry through with a campaign, the coveted demographic of those whose front yards display toilet bowl flower pots and a fake cardboard cutout of a fat lady bending over, right next to a real fat lady bending over, will belong to him. Guys sporting the “Limited edition Sterling Marlin signature leisure suit” and Marlboro bowling ball they got for free, just by sending in 8,000 proofs of purchase jackknifed from cigarette cartons, will be turning out in droves, eager to send their hero to Washington.

The trick for Jerry will be to get the rest of the citizens of Ohio, which comprise the vast majority, to look past the talk show Jerry – the guy who stands back with a grin and watches as Neanderthal ne’er-do-wells and missing links in tube-tops duke it out – and see Mr. Jerry Springer, dignified citizen fully qualified to represent the large Buckeye State.

Ohio is a big state. It takes so long to drive through there that legend has it Albert Einstein came up with his Theory of Special Relativity after motoring from Michigan to Kentucky, only to notice that by the time he made it through Ohio, he seemingly hadn’t aged, but all his friends were dead.

The campaign rallies in the big Buckeye state should be a thing to behold. Springer will take the podium to chants of “Je-REE! Je-REE!” and deliver a powerful speech on national defense, taxation and equal rights. Then Jerry will bring a guy up on stage to inform him that his cyber-sex partner of seven years, called “HottGirrl21,” is really a 250-pound bald transvestite with a mustache and nervous twitch whenever anybody gets near his crawl space. This will be followed by a “dating tips” segment, including an interview with a guy in the audience who says the most important thing to remember on a first date is chloroform. Last but not least will be Jerry’s closing remarks on foreign policy.

Springer has always publicly declared his show for what it is, saying it’s all done for laughs and he doesn’t even really watch it. This is what he needs to do in the political arena as well. He should embrace what he’s done, not distance himself from it. Besides, he may soon discover that his television show was not a joke at all, and that the real idiotic throw-down is in Washington, D.C.

The sad thing about possibly having Jerry Springer in Congress is the poor light in which other senators will view him. They will look at Springer in disgust from the moment the freshman senator walks into the room. The man who made a handsome living by pitting human being against human being much to the giddy delight of dentally neglectful onlookers will be in their sacred chamber.

The person who later sums up the lessons that should have been learned from the horror he helped create, much like Mrs. O’Leary’s cow standing in front of the smoldering Chicago ruins telling us not to play with fire, will be voting among them.

Kennedy, Byrd, Feinstein, Daschle, Boxer and many others will shake their heads in shame and disdain if Jerry Springer becomes a member of the Senate, for they will know they are about to be outclassed.