“As soon as the monster comes to life, Victor is filled with intense revulsion. He explains, ‘The beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart.'”
“Frankenstein” – Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley
Victor ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.
The Democrats are on the ropes. Attempts by their candidates to bring Bush down aren’t doing the trick, and soon they may have to tell people what they stand for and against – a politician’s worst nightmare, if you don’t count being stuck in an elevator with Barney Frank. They need to try something different … enter the miracle of science.
Many of their candidates are already flagging. Dick Gephardt is raising slightly less money than a Girl Scout with a hacking cough selling opened boxes of thin mints in front of a Chernobyl Piggly Wiggly. Joe Lieberman’s discovered that a ride on Al Gore’s coattails gets you only about a half-block down Futility Avenue, and Howard Dean has made news for raising the most money of all the Democrats via the Internet, which means his campaign is being financed solely by people looking for topless photos of Britney Spears.
This isn’t nearly enough to win the White House in 2004. Using the miracle of science, I’d suggest that the Democrats obtain DNA samples of the following people to create the world’s first test-tube colossal candidate, which we’ll call “SuperDem.”
Andrew Jackson: In the event of a repeat of the 2000 election, Democrats need a candidate who can win the popular vote, end up losing the election, and still come back in the succeeding election to win the White House, as Jackson did. The DNA sample from “Old Hickory” should help give life to a candidate with perseverance, instead of one who turns into Sebastian Cabot’s body-double after a disappointing defeat.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt: The man who started the once-every-60-year occurrence of a Democrat president with a wife rumored to be a lesbian, will have his folksy, “fireside chat” skills extracted. DNA from “The Godfather” of slaughterhouse-style transfer of wealth is a must for “SuperDem.”
John F. Kennedy: Removal of this DNA could prove tricky, since the double helix is still wrapped around Marilyn Monroe’s genes. The trick here is to take the charm and charisma without letting out any of the talk of the benefits of tax cuts.
Lyndon Johnson: Any viable opponent to Bush will need physical strength, along with the attitude of a fellow Texan, if it is to match muscles with the jogging, weight lifting, aircraft-carrier-landing president. LBJ stayed in prime physical condition – thanks mostly to a daily workout routine that began with 25 reps of clean-and-jerking his beagle by the ears.
Jimmy Carter: “SuperDem” may need to build a shed. We’ll also extract the part that remembers Fidel Castro’s cell phone number, just in case we need to get in touch with Danny Glover.
Walter Mondale and Michael Dukakis: Despite its superhuman nature, our creation will still need to rest. What better way to ensure this than by snatching the vocal DNA from these two men so “SuperDem” can listen to itself talk, and fall sound asleep.
Bill Clinton: This should be the easiest DNA to get a hold of, since it’s on just about everything except Hillary. “SuperDem” will need to lie, and big time. No splitting of this DNA will be required, since every bit will be filled with 100 percent pure, unadulterated lies from an adulterous liar. Americans love a good golfer, and “SuperDem” will dazzle them with the ability to take 450 shots during an 18-hole round at Pebble Beach and yet, somehow, still finish nine under par.
Laurie Dhue: Just in case “SuperDem” is a female. (Hey, I’m the one building this thing, so I can do whatever I want!)
Next, we’ll take all the separate parts, place them in a test tube, and stand back and watch as the dream candidate goes through growth stages, with the youngest DNA developing in “SuperDem” first.
During the zygotic phase of gestation, we may notice glossy puckered lips mouthing the words “you’re watching FOX News.” The embryonic stage will see it attempting to debate the meaning of the word “is.” The fetal period may include a request to furlough Willie Horton, promises to raise taxes if elected, a mouthful of teeth, dreams of a “great society” and complaints of a bad back. This may be followed by a futile inter-utero search for a cigarette holder and directions to the Yalta Conference, topped off by an attempt to force a recount with John Quincy Adams.
What a jumbled mess that would turn out to be. In other words, just like all the other candidates.
Back to the drawing board.
