Campaign slogans, past and present

Any political candidate can use a good campaign slogan, but in today's PC world, are there any that won't offend anyone? Let's take a look at some of the more notable slogans in American history, why they wouldn't work these days, and then recommend some slogans for current candidates.

Abraham Lincoln: "Vote yourself a farm."

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PC criticism: Farms have cows, and cow flatulence contributes to ozone depletion. Cows are also responsible for a high number of fraternity initiation blazes, where often all that is found behind the gassy bovine is a charred frat pledge with a look of surprise on his face, still clutching a Zippo lighter.

Modified slogan: "Vote for me and, should you already have a farm, we'll pay you to not have animals or grow anything."

Theodore Roosevelt: "A square deal for every man."

PC criticism: Oh sure, for every man. Also, squares have sharp corners, and somebody could get hurt!

Modified slogan: "A soft, padded, circular deal for every person, including "gay" and transgender, as well as animals – especially ones that live in the rainforest.

Herbert Hoover: "A chicken in every pot and a car in every garage."

PC criticism: Offensive to vegetarians, individuals with poultry allergies, people who can't afford pots, and those who get the nervous trots over auto emissions.

Modified slogan: "Your favorite food in moderation, and a sufficient mode of public transportation on any non-Ozone Action Day."

Warren G. Harding: "Return to normalcy."

PC criticism: Everybody's definition of "normal" is vastly different.

Modified slogan: "Comforting familiarity for everybody, each still well within his, her or its own idiom."

Dwight D. Eisenhower: "I like Ike."

PC criticism: This sexually suggestive saying may have been allowed back in a more innocent era, when June and Ward could call their kid "Beaver" without snickering, but in this day and age, this sort of aggressive advance is unwarranted and unnecessary. It may also cost you Tina Turner's vote.

Modified slogan: Nowadays, permission is a must. The proper slogan should be "May I like Ike?"

Ronald Reagan: "It's morning in America."

PC criticism: Implies that those who sleep past, say, 10 or 11 a.m. or work second or third shift at a factory, will miss out on any of the goings on in this country.

Modified slogan: "The time of day you usually get out of bed, that's what time it is right now in America, and elsewhere for that matter."

Bill Clinton: "Building a bridge to the 21st century."

PC criticism: The bridge doesn't get built when you're in the Oval Office pre-occupied with producing what turned out to be the most panned release up until "Gigli" came out.

Modified slogan: Buy time so your critics can't complain the bridge didn't get completed. Something like "Building a bridge to the 23rd century" should do just that.

Like it or not, the heyday of good campaign slogans, such as those above, is over. This election season, we'll probably be presented with something more along these lines:

Howard Dean: "Experienced in law and Internet commerce – two of the most trusted professions in the world today!"

Dick Gephardt: "To contribute to my campaign this fall, look for the guy in the Santa suit ringing a bell near a bucket in the parking lot of the St. Louis Wal-Mart."

Joe Lieberman: "Rugged good looks, commanding voice and contagious enthusiasm ... who needs them?"

Al Sharpton: "Got racism?"

John Kerry: "Campaign slogan pending approval of new loan request from wife."

Carol Moseley Braun: "Energy conservation through diminished brainpower."

Bob Graham: "Let's elect an attorney for a change!"

John Edwards: "No, I'm not that psychic dude who talks to the dead."

Ralph Nader: "America needs a wakeup call, because I just put it to sleep."

George W. Bush: "Ya got those checks, right?"

The best slogans may come from some of those running for California governor, where the discussion will sound more like a 90-minute tape of Mel Blanc outtakes than a political debate.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Insert 'Terminator' quote here."

Gary Coleman: "What-chu talkin' 'bout, Gray?"

Larry Flynt: "Together, we'll make hell handicapped accessible."

Arianna Huffington: "If you ever wished you could roll Ivana Trump, Ed Begley Jr. and the Gabor sisters into one governor, now's your chance!"

Gray Davis: "Let 'er rip, pull the lever for the guy who resembles a Q-Tip."

Richard Riordan: "At what point exactly did California fall into a 'Far Side' cartoon?"

Maybe the best slogan politicians could have is to simply be honest, moral and serve their country free from crooked financial gain and lust for power. In the end, that would get more votes than anything you could ever put on a bumper sticker.

I know, I know. Just kidding.