Strangle in a strange land

Editor's note: Michael Ackley's columns contain satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.

File under "Who knew?" – Neckties can reduce brain function – if one wears said sartorial accoutrement so tightly it constricts the carotid arteries, according to a study released last week.

This explains a great deal about Washington, D.C., where the term "up-tight" applies so desperately and literally. A little-known appendix to the study, dealing exclusively with Washington, showed that even persons who initially have sense enough not to choke themselves every morning eventually succumb to the fashion of the Capitol and engage in self-strangulation.

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The oxygen deficiency is exacerbated by the increasing tightness of their collars, occasioned by the greater girth that attends feeding at the public trough. They become numb before they know it.

Scientists conducting the study considered whether or not the brain damage ever could be reduced or reversed. Sadly, they concluded that short of a fashion rebellion, the answer was no.

There is hope, however: Women don't wear neckties.

The same scientists also looked at the New York Times, a bastion of cravat culture where the editorials are becoming increasingly sophomoric. Exempli gratia: The Times mused that perhaps Arnold Schwarzennegger chose to be a Republican instead of a Democrat so he could look intelligent compared to his party associates.

In their newspaper /necktie examination, the scientists said: "Superciliousness and delusions of superior intelligence are common symptoms of neckwear anoxia, which may induce newspaper executives to adopt irrational standards and concepts, like the idea there is an 'acceptable error rate,' or that the pathological dishonesty of a reporter can be reduced by promoting him."

It goes on to say individual assessments show certain members of the Times executive ranks have been "essentially brain-dead" for years.

Keen observers will have noted Schwarzennegger generally appears sans necktie. In fact, many Californians eschew this useless – indeed, pernicious – decoration. This helps explain why they have retained the right to fire elected officials who are demonstrably incompetent and why they are exercising the right to recall their governor (a process which the Times, among others, has belittled.)

One reasonably may doubt that Schwarzennegger would have signed – as Gov. Gray Davis did – a bill forbidding discrimination against cross-dressers. Thus – and soon – on entering some California business, you may be greeted in baritone voice by a hirsute, six-foot-six receptionist in a spaghetti-strap summer dress that really expresses his "gender identity."

It also is reasonable to doubt that Schwarzennegger would announce his intention to sign into law a measure granting California drivers' licenses to illegal aliens. Davis, a tight necktie guy all the way, has pledged to do so.

Other matters: The University of California's Academic Senate has codified the faculty practice of indoctrinating rather than educating students. It adopted a new policy on "academic freedom" that overturns a standard more than six decades old.

The new policy allows professors openly to advocate their personal views – which they have been doing for years and years anyway.

This is another feather in the cap of U.C. President Richard Atkinson, still flushed with his victory in forcing difficult language /logic questions out of the Scholastic Aptitude Test.

The Academic Senate action stems from a campus controversy sparked when a Palestinian instructor's course description said, in essence, that "no conservatives need apply."

When the instructor was ruled in violation of the old faculty code, campus leftists called that a violation of academic freedom. Atkinson, according to the San Francisco Chronicle, called the code outdated and sponsored the revision "to reflect the modern university and its faculty."

Let it be noted: Atkinson is a member of the tight-necktie fraternity.