Note: Michael Ackley's columns contain satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
(The time: Somewhere in the near future – if California Senate Bill 60 becomes law.)
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"I'd like to apply for a driver's license, please."
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The speaker, Howard Bashford Shicklegruber, looked down shyly as he stood at the counter of the California Department of Motor Vehicles' Barstow office.
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"Well," said the kindly and rather attractive woman behind the counter, "we'll need proof of residence and a Social Security card."
"Uh, I have an electric bill. Is that OK for proof of residence?" Bashford asked.
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"I'm not sure," began the woman hesitantly. "Oh, what the heck. It's OK with me."
"But I – I don't have a Social Security card," Bashford stammered. "They won't give me one."
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"Oh?" said the clerk curiously. "Why is that?"
"Well, you know ...," said Bashford. "I'm, uh, working, uh, off the books. Have been ever since I was smuggled into the country last year from Tierra Sobernada."
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"Oh!" the clerk said again, smiling kindly. "You're an undocumented immigrant! Don't worry! It really doesn't matter that you're breaking the law just by being here, or that you're evading the income tax."
"That's what I heard," said Bashford. "Some state senator named Gil Cedillo pushed through a bill allowing us (snicker) 'illegal aliens' to get drivers' licenses. It sure will make life more convenient for me. You know, cashing checks and such – maybe even getting a regular job.
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"After all, I am a productive member of society."
"Now there still are some requirements," said the clerk. "You have to show me a birth certificate from your country of origin – or produce a letter from your consulate that says you really were born. Though you're here, aren't you? So you must have been born."
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They both enjoyed a laugh at this witticism.
"But seriously," said the clerk, picking up her train of thought, "we need one other piece of identification. Do you have a passport or a driver's license from Tierra Sobernada or a military service card?"
"I have a supermarket discount card. Will that do?" asked Bashford.
"Well, why not?" responded the clerk. "We also have to take a thumb or fingerprint, which will be digitized into a 'biometric identifier.' But don't worry. Law enforcement can't look at it without a subpoena."
In a few more minutes Bashford had his temporary license.
"This is such a relief," he told the clerk. "I really was afraid that if I was stopped I'd be detained for not having this."
"That's SO silly!" exclaimed the clerk. "Cedillo's bill said cops 'may not detain or arrest a person solely on the belief that the person is an unlicensed driver,' unless they're pretty sure you're under 16."
"So I've been worrying over nothing?!" Bashford asked.
"You have, ever since Gov. Gray Davis signed the bill into law," the clerk replied. "It made things so much easier for everybody – including us. Now we don't have to worry that anybody's presence in the United States is – as they say – 'legal.'"
"You've been more than kind," said Bashford with a charming grin. "It was all so easy, and I didn't even have to offer you a bribe, the way I would back home. I wish there were some way I could show my appreciation.
"I hope I wouldn't be out of line if I asked you to dinner."
The clerk blushed prettily.
"That would be perfectly all right with me," she said. "I haven't been to a nice dinner in ages – not since I slipped across the border myself six months ago."