Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns contain satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
A major issue in the recent California recall election was the influence of money from Indian gaming interests.
Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante took multi-million-dollar Indian gaming contributions; GOP hopeful Tom McClintock took huge sums from Indian gaming contributors; Arnold Schwarzenegger decried the influx of Indian gaming money.
Further, as far as we can determine, every news medium in the state reported on the Indian gaming controversy.
We’re sure Indian gaming will continue to be an issue in the Golden State, but we wonder why there isn’t more concern about the missing letters, “b” and “l.”
Why aren’t the media concerned about these vanished characters? Where have they gone?
Are they victims of alien abduction? Did they get on the wrong bus and arrive at the end of the line in some desolate location in the California desert, like Needles or Barstow? Are they huddled with the homeless under a bridge or freeway overpass? Are they victims of amnesia?
The answer to all these questions is no. Our sources tell us the “b’s” and “l’s” missing from Indian gaming are being held hostage in teepees, hogans and wickiups across the nation.
Asked to explain, Howard “Eating Crow” Bashford, 25, an elder of California’s newly re-established Yahoo tribe, told us, “They wandered onto our ancestral lands, and we’re keeping them.”
“People find ‘gaming’ more palatable than ‘gam …’ Hey! Don’t try to trick me, Pale Face!”
As Bashford represents a sovereign nation, we could not press him further. Nevertheless, the loss of “b” and “l” is a potentially serious problem. If the tribes decide to grab these letters from other words, we could find ourselves fuming instead of fumbling, raming instead of rambling, stuming instead of stumbling and ruming instead of rumbling.
We might even end up planting “us” in our gardens instead of bulbs and find ourselves limited to tomato sandwiches rather than the classic BLT.
Despite the influence of Indian casino money in politics, I think we at least can prevail upon the news media to free these letters and restore them to their rightful place in gaming.
Write your newspaper. Call your radio and television stations. Demand that they bring back the “b” and the “l” and call “Indian gaming” the vice that it actually is.
Back to the recall: The BIG issue in the election clearly was illegal immigration, an augmentation of California’s population that current voters oppose.
I say “current voters” because if California doesn’t hurry and roll back Gov. Gray Davis’ panic-stricken authorization of drivers’ licenses for illegal aliens, some of our immigration lawbreakers are going to use the de facto citizenship identity card to register and cast ballots in the presidential primary next March.
Working through intermediaries, I arranged a clandestine meeting with one of the shadowy backers of the movement to dissolve our borders. The rendezvous point I was given was – surprisingly – at the back of an upscale bar and grill in San Francisco’s financial district.
As I waited nervously in the booth, a man approached and said, “The frog croaks at midnight.”
I gave the counter response: “Except on daylight-saving time.”
The man sat down opposite me, and I was startled to see he was dressed in a finely cut, three-piece suit and sporting a rather expensive Jerry Garcia necktie. Far from being furtive, he was rather boisterous.
“Waiter!” he yelled. “J&B on the rocks here.”
Then to me he said, “So, what do you want to know?”
I asked him to outline his plans to redistribute America’s wealth to the wretched refuse of the world, and it was his turn to be startled.
“Redistribute?” he said. “Are you crazy?”
“Then you’re not trying to give poor immigrants from Central and South America a chance to work their way into United States society by taking the jobs no American will do?” I asked.
“No,” he said, looking at me as if I were from outer space. “We’re for giving poor immigrants a chance to work their way into United States society by taking jobs no American will do for the wages offered.”
“Then your ultimate motive is …?” I said.
“Profit, you idiot,” roared the source.
Stunned, I asked, “Then you’re not from the Earth Liberation Front?”
“Heck no!” he laughed. “I’m a lobbyist for the agribusiness, meat packing and garment industries – and any other big business that wants to hire me to protect our sources of cheap labor.”
He looked at his watch and said, “Sorry. I have to go. Got to get home and pay my illegal alien gardner.”
He threw $20 on the table and exited the bar, laughing.
