Hamburger-handed: Ribbing McDonald’s

Way back, in the dim, distant days of the departed 20th century, nutritional guru Nathan Pritikin envisioned 24-hour health-food take-out joints all over America.

Though, sad to say, he did not see this come to pass during his lifetime, now McDonald’s – yup, the beleaguered grease-and-salt emporiums – are launching an adult version of healthier “Happy Meals” – shudder – which actually dare to dispense pedometers and exercise pamphlets as premiums along with a serving of their – you should pardon the expression – salad.

Inedible … I mean, incredible, right? Has McDonald’s lost its way?

They call these new meals “Go Active.” Coming soon to couches everywhere. Unless, that is, the test marketing’s an absolute bust, and then, it’s back to serving c-r-a-p-o-l-a.

However McD packages it, this disgustingly cynical attempt at “innovation” should be immediately discontinued.

What their marketing geniuses can’t foresee is the sudden influx of allegedly healthier choices could create drastic customer confusion, massive eating guilt, and an eventual public backlash which could also leave the rest of McD’s toxic Love Canal of a menu open to further lawsuits, some of which could finally, um, stick.

However, I suspect this new Adult Happy Meals gimmick may merely be a slick marketing ploy to boost sagging salad sales.

Silly me, I must confess: Truthfully, I’ve still never, ever eaten a McDonald’s burger. That’s one of the lifetime promises I made to myself – and kept.

And, in the interest of full disclosure, I should also admit my late brother Marty was a manager and trainer for Wendy’s. I never ate any of their burgers, either.

Although I do frequently agree with many ideas put forth by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, I am not a PETA member. Despite my sympathies, somehow I manage to simultaneously believe “Meat is Murder” while, alas, occasionally eating meat for, yes, apparent health reasons.

Sometimes, my then-acupuncturist reminded me, it can take 13 generations to create human beings who can extract complete nutrition from a vegetarian diet – and she claimed I wasn’t one of those blessed beings. So, after being a long-time strict and extreme vegan, under her supervision, I re-introduced various animal proteins into my diet to achieve better nutritional balance.

I assure you, my love for Soymeat, Tofu and Seitan remains strong and enduring.

Call it the Hat Trick of Hypocrisy, if you will, but remember, “Consistency is the hobgoblin of foolish minds.” Who knows what that means, or who originally uttered it, but it seems appropriate to insert at this juncture.

But look, if McDonald’s wants to really rake in the moolah while serving … humanity’s higher needs, they should launch a whole series of Authentic Happy Meals for Grownups:

• Feel-Good Adult Happy Meals: Prozac-and-Zoloft-laced pita-pockets filled with falafel, hummus, shredded lettuce, diced tomatoes and that yummy special secret sauce, plus a renewable prescription for this menu item if the FDA gets alarmed and either horns in on the deal for a cut of the proceeds, or begins to regulate falafel and other forms of chick peas as a presumed “health supplement.”

• Porno Adult Happy Meals: The “X-rated” successor to TV dinners – frozen, reheatable, carry-out versions with sausage, salsa, runny eggs and baked plantain chips. No sexual symbolism, just immediate gratification. Plus, of course, a coupon redeemable for a free “adult’ DVD starring my friend “Filbert’s” eternal heartthrob and lust object, Tracy Lords.

• Guilty Pleasure Happy Meals: A retro White Tower bacon-cheese-whopper and gloppy home-fries, tackily wrapped to resemble McDonald’s fare, packed with a universal remote.

• Mount Rushmore Happy Meals: Meatball-sculptures of the heads of Rumsfeld-Rice-Wolfowitz-Rove-and-Baby-Bush, plus a toy voting machine to … toy with.

• Wussy Adult Happy Meals: One stick of celery, one carrot and a tiny tin of tuna, one fortune cookie with an unreadable message, plus as a premium, the inspirational audio tape, “Not-Eating with Oprah.”

Their motto could be: “Good Food, Good Mood.” Hey, Al Gore may have “invented” the Internet, but I actually invented the Naked Chef, years before he exploded onto the American culinary scene. Well, you get the picture. I’m a trend-spotter. I could go on, but I won’t. Why give away my best ideas gratis? McD’s, have your people call my people at your soonest.

Maybe we can even do … lunch.