Limbaugh’s new 12-step program!

Rush Limbaugh is out of the treatment center and back on the air, and this may be the most critical phase of his recovery. I hope this tailor-made, 12-step program helps him get back into the swing of things in the world of politics and other issues.

Step 1

Come to the understanding that, yes, Arnold Schwarzenegger is really the governor of California. That wasn’t just the Oxy talkin’.

Step 2

Realize that, in your absence, the legacy of Ronald Reagan was still in good hands. Those people you see holding ice packs on their financial groins are CBS executives. We can only hope the mortician who did James Brolin’s makeup cashed his check before the network was able to put a stop on it.

Step 3

Admit you’re powerless over Bill and Hillary Clinton. Repeat the following mantra every morning:

No matter what I say or do, Hillary will continue to carpetbag, lie and give a stare so icy that it can only be replicated by pouring a gallon of ice cold Nestea down my shorts. And despite my best efforts, Bill will still cheat at golf, parse sentences with a deli meat slicer, and whine to 2,500 reporters shoving microphones under his nose that I spend three hours a day beating him up and he has no outlet for retaliation.

Step 4

Tell yourself that, from this moment on, you’ll never again get a house that is so big you can’t clean it yourself. Also, remember when you extol the virtues of capitalism, sometimes the maid will be the first to heed your advice, even if it requires doing business with the National Enquirer.

Step 5

Make a list of all the people you’ve ever labeled as “liberal,” “environmentalist wacko,” “femi-nazi,” or “NAG,” and send them all a personal note reiterating that you still think they’re freaks.

Step 6

Be fully prepared for Ed Asner or any other Hollywood leftist to try to knock you off the wagon by leaving pills carelessly laying around everywhere for you to find, like an amphetamine Easter egg hunt at Judy Garland’s house back in the good ol’ days.

Step 7

When out on the town, take time to stop, smile and say “hello” to each and every person you meet who has quit working for the “John Kerry for President” campaign.

Step 8

Give Alan Colmes your Marconi Award, tell him he’s won, then laugh and take it back. Humor in recovery is of utmost importance.

Step 9

Send the Democratic National Committee a “thank you” note for their current crop of presidential candidates, who have about as good a shot at the Oval Office as Joe Hazelwood does of getting a job driving a Citgo truck.

Step 10

“Take a liberal to work day.” Pick somebody who you disagree with, such as, say, Al Gore, and invite him into the EIB studio. Discuss his recent statements, such as his criticism of the “quasi hypnotic influence” of television (as his audience sat transfixed with a blank-stare gaze and drool in the corner of their mouths), and his claim that when people watch television four hours a day, it has a huge negative impact on our democracy (as if they’d otherwise be at the library reading the collected works of Thomas Jefferson if they weren’t so darn distracted by “Joe Millionaire”).

Step 11

Show up at the next joke disguised as a debate sponsored by the “Rock the Vote” people, and announce you’re sponsoring a “Rush the Vote” debate. Stun the country by avoiding questions that seem to only interest select members of “Generation Ritalin,” such as what a candidate’s hash pipe of choice is, what kind of skivvies they wear, or which historical figure they would most like to funnel beer with. MTV-style debates will come and go, like a tumbleweed blowing through a ghost-town, but the real problems will be around for a long time – longer if Democrats are trying to solve them.

Step 12

Prove that “the light of truth” has had it’s batteries replaced, is brighter than ever, and is going to have the effect of a 10,000-watt bulb turned on in a roomful of cockroaches. Let the scattering begin!

Limbaugh is back, and so many people haven’t anticipated an arrival since word got out that Madonna was going to be in New York during Fleet Week.

Welcome back, Rush!