Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
President Bush met a year ago with President Jacques Chirac of France, Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder of Germany and President Vladimir Putin of Russia. “Who will help me plant the seed of democracy in Iraq?” he asked.
“Not I,” said Gerhard.
“Not I,” said Jacques.
“Not I,” said Vladimir.
“Then I will,” said Bush. And he did.
After a time, democracy began to sprout, though the crop was sparse, but Bush asked, “Who will help with the harvest?”
“Not I,” said Gerhard.
“Not I,” said Jacques.
“Not I,” said Vladimir.
“Then I will,” said Bush. And he did.
When the lean harvest was in, Bush asked, “Who will help separate the grain from the chaff?”
“Not I,” said Gerhard.
“Not I,” said Jacques.
“Not I,” said Vladimir.
“Then I will,” said Bush. And he did.
And so it went with taking the harvest to the mill and having it made into flour and baking it into bread. In each case it was:
“Not I,” said Schroeder.
“Not I,” said Chirac.
“Not I,” said Putin.
Followed by, “Then I will,” by Bush.
And when the bread came out of the oven, Bush muttered rhetorically, “Who will eat this bread?”
“I will,” said Gerhard.
“I will,” said Jacques.
“I will,” said Vladimir.
And when Bush replied, “No, I will do that,” Schroeder and Chirac and Putin were dismayed.
“We’ve had our little differences, but we’re allies,” said Chirac.
“I’d have helped, but I had political problems at home,” said Schroeder.
“Remember the Alamo!” said Putin.
And when Bush asked for their help in fertilizing the next planting, each turned his back again, saying, “Not I,” “Not I,” “Not I.”
“Suit yourself,” said Bush, “but it does seem like we’re on the way to repeating ourselves here.”
I’ve told them to stop giving out my e-mail address: According to a recent e-mail received from Nigeria, the sender got my address from our consular officials.
While I much appreciated the sender’s expressions of trust and willingness to let me handle $15 million (U.S.) in unclaimed bank deposits, I have had to send my regrets.
You see, I already have too much to keep track of, what with the $100 million soon to be entrusted to me by Marian Sese-Seko, widow the late President Mobutu Sese-Seko of Zaire, with appropriate “renumerations,” of course.
She received my “company profile from the Chambers of Commerce in Morocco,” where I didn’t even know I was doing business.
The offer to let me help handle these funds was in addition to similar queries from gentlemen in Zimbabwe, South Africa and Angola. All of them learned about my probity through official and quasi-official sources, and I must say it is humbling to learn that my reputation for discretion and integrity have spread worldwide.
But, please – send no more queries to this address. I’ll let all of you possessed of slightly questionable funds know when I get a new bank account set up – probably in the Turks and Caicos Islands.
Hard rule for hard times: Yes, California’s new governor is well aware of the state constitutional provision that gives him line-item veto power over the budget. (Oddly, it’s a power his predecessor, Gray Davis, seemed to have forgotten entirely.)
The bad news is, Arnold Schwarzenegger can’t exercise that veto power until the next budget.
The good news, for which we are indebted to H.D. Palmer, the state’s director of external affairs in the Department of Finance, is that for the first time in California history, the governor has the authority to make current-year expenditure reductions without going back to the Legislature.
The law – adopted and signed last summer, before the recall election – basically authorizes the state director of finance to make cuts to respond to “exigent circumstances” and to “impose other savings strategies as determined appropriate …”
Well, bless the Golden State’s lawmakers. They may not have had the backbone to make cuts themselves, but at least they were willing to let somebody else do what’s necessary.
A Democratic Party analyst says the party finally understands why it took the Bush administration “such a long time” to find Saddam Hussein. “He was HIDING!” he explained.
WATCH: 2 Venezuelan gang members released from custody
WND Staff