The following column is purely a work of satire and invention.
First, let me make one thing totally, absolutely, perfectly … did I say completely? … clear: I am neither a Repug-Nican, nor a Dumb-o-Crap.
I do not care a whit if “Dr.” Dean really is funded by the enemy Repug-Nican camp after having dodged the draft with a phony (or at least infinitesimally insignificant) back problem so he could then be a ski-bum working his gluteals.
Manchurian Candidate, Stalking Horse, it’s all eventual fodder for Hollywood, so what does it matter?
Neither do I feel even the slightest frisson of sympathy if Dumb-o-Crap Kerry should happen to fall off his friggin’ motorcycle while practicing his JFK accent and his best war-resistance posture, subsequently emerging with his arm in a sling which makes it difficult to insouciantly flip pancakes in his next photo op.
I’m warning him. Don’t go there. Don’t play the Sympathy Vote. Just don’t.
Truth be told, I am also indifferent to Hillary’s presumed lust for world domination, as well as Ralph Nader’s staunch insistence his Green Party candidacy did not spoil the last election. While I agree with him – and with his platform, which is impeccably skewed toward principle and the needs of the people – I believe, if he really, really cared, he’d build a real Movement, not just a drive-by candidacy when it suits him.
And about those suits, Ralph. For goddess’ sake, can’t you at least steam them in the shower, or worst-case, find a used waffle-maker in a thrift shop?
And that general? Clark Kent’s his name? Have you changed your party registration yet? While you’re on target accusing BUSH-Wah of exploiting lingering 9-11 fears, you blow it by snarkily reframing his alcoholic past as a character reference, or even a transformative credential, for cripes sake. Dude’s a dry drunk running amok – say it!
These candidates in this Presidential Cramp-Pain give me a m-i-g-r-a-i-n-e.
And, I repeat, although I’m definitely not a Repug-Nican either, I must say those pathetic Dumb-o-Craps are forever trying to surpass the strategic propaganda impact of Baby Bush landing on an Navy carrier, or even posing with that ersatz Thanksgiving turkey platter for U.S. troops in Iraq.
But how can the opposition party compete when so far what we’ve seen from them is such a pallid response?
We need to transform them into true party animals.
First, dump these tactics:
- Lieberman sings “Oklahoma.”
- Kerry dons motorcycle leathers and roars onto the “Tonight Show” set riding a borrowed Harley.
- Al Sharpton hosts “Saturday Night Live” – we already know he’s the wittiest of the pack.
- Carol Moseley-Braun invokes the woman-card.
But what could they really do for maximum impact?
- Howard Dean: Perform exploratory brain surgery … on Baby Bush. Does he have one?
- Continuing in that medical vein, Gephardt could … come forward, admit he’s had a face transplant and televise his next surgical nip-and-tuck on that TV reality show.
- Attorney John Edwards could do a psychic reading appearance on his almost-namesake John Edward’s talk-to-the-dead TV show. Besides, isn’t that what politics tries to do – talk to the dead and juice /stir /rev them up enough to get them to respond to the living?
- My boy Dennis Kucinich could temporarily replace the convalescing Roy of Siegfried and Roy fame and transform a Killer Tiger into a purring pussycat with his peace theories.
- Al Sharpton can wrestle Jesse Ventura in an exhibition match for the WWF, the prize being a MSNBC show that actually gets broadcast.
- At Disneyworld, Joe Lieberman could sing, to the melody of the Mickey Mouse Club theme song, “I put the LIE back in Lieberman,” while riding that spanking-new ejection-seat Ferris Wheel, invented especially for him, catapulting passengers permanently into outer space.
- Practicing “No Comment” in a fun-house mirror, Carol Moseley-Braun could do her dead-on Condi-Rice imitation, and we don’t mean secret ingredients for a casserole.
- Hillary Clinton could explore the health-care delivery system from the inside out, guest-starring as a Mafia Shrink on “The Sopranos,” and, in a fascinating character twist, explore her own dark side as she free-associates while riding a “spinning” cycle with her client in an unconventional therapy session.
- And if all else fails, Al Gore could guest on “Six Feet Under” and rise from the political dead on a marble morgue slab, staging an election-year Happening to end all Happenings.
Happy Political New Year!
