Editor's note: Michael Ackley's columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
Proof mental illness is catching: Legislation that would grant teens fractional votes in California elections has gained its first committee approval.
As noted here previously, bills by state Sen. John Vasconcellos would grant 16- and 17-year-olds half a vote; 14- and 15-year-olds a quarter of a vote. The measures passed out of the Senate Elections and Reapportionment Committee May 5.
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Epidemiologists at the national Centers for Disease Control expressed dismay, noting that this was the first clear evidence that mental illness could be mediated by a virus or bacterium.
"We're very concerned," said Howard Bashford, public-health physician, "and you can put a heavy emphasis on that 'very.' As you probably are aware, infectious diseases tend to move from west to east, and this contagion might spread to other states."
Bashford said there was room for optimism, however, because it appeared some individuals had a natural immunity.
"The committee vote was three to two," he noted. "The Republicans voted against the bills, and one Democrat said his 'yes' vote was a courtesy to the author."
Bashford cited remarks by state Sen. Don Perata, who told teen witnesses they should not be discouraged, indicating the bills might be blocked further up the legislative ladder.
"That's an indication this thing could be nipped in the bud," Dr. Bashford said. "On the other hand, Perata called it 'an idea whose time will one day come,' and he is in line to be the state Senate's next president pro tempore. A quarantine may be in order."
Meanwhile, Vasconcellos, basking in a public spotlight he hasn't enjoyed for some time, noted – ungrammatically – that teens were "not fully mature, but none of us are fully mature."
Perhaps later he will suggest a move to progressively fractional votes for superannuated senators, in proportion to how far they have gone around the bend.
(Note: The satire and parody disclaimer at the top of this column does not apply to the following. The quotes are real, taken from the cited organizations' websites.)
Testifying in favor of Vasconcellos' bills was Alex Koroknay-Palicz, 22, a director of the National Youth Rights Association. This outfit lists as a "partner" the Freechild Project, which rails against "adultism."
Adultism, it says, "is the oppression of all young people that happens from the day they are born. It is based on age and presented in the attitudes of every adult who occupies the same space as young people, including parents, teachers and youth workers. Adultism is apart of the structure of society and its institutions, including families, schools, churches and the government."
I do confess, from the time of my birth, I was taken in by adultism, actually believing my parents had my best interests at heart not only when they failed to expose me to the elements, but also when they wanted to know where I was going and with whom; when they didn't allow access to alcoholic beverages; when they restricted what movies and TV shows I could watch; when they demanded I be home before a certain hour of night.
And I'm sure I was otherwise oppressed and could cite instances if I put my mind to it. Oh, yeah. They insisted I do my school work and wouldn't accept "C" grades.
As for NYRA, it believes the rights of American citizenship "transcend age or status limits." It believes that an age restriction on consumption of alcohol "makes clear that no matter how hard you work, no matter how successful you are, you are still a second-class citizen unfit for association with adults until you reach an arbitrary age."
This is related to the organization's opposition to "any law that punishes young people for something not a crime if committed by the legislators who enacted the law or other legal adults."
NYRA believes juvenile curfews "violate young people's rights under the First and 14th Amendments to the U.S. Constitution."
It notes "with dismay the spread of age-based ratings systems in the American entertainment industry ... [that] ... deprive young people of the ability to choose their own entertainment with their own money based on the whims of secret ratings boards, accountable to no one."
Further, it says it "believes that governments must have the burden of proof in showing that any law that restricts the access of young people to any type of text, video or audio literally protects them from tangible harm."
We adultists take all this as evidence supporting scientific studies showing that juvenile brains are, in fact, undeveloped and given to irrational decisions and actions.
Curiously, we finding nothing on the NYRA website about sex. It seems to me an organization dedicated to youth liberation would have something to say about the subject that is most on adolescent minds. Why do we suspect that some of the adults supporting this claptrap have prevailed on the youths to omit this subject, thus masking those adults' ulterior motives related to children as sex objects?
You might be surprised to find the "dean of the California Legislature" lending his prestige to wild-hare organizations like those named above. Put aside your wonder. This is the most attention this unfortunately powerful geezer has enjoyed since he persuaded the state, cities, counties and school districts to squander millions of dollars on self-esteem commissions.
The only people to profit from that unlamented "movement" were previously out-of-work trainers from the self-actualization craze of the '60s and '70s.