You would think that the mere fact of having billions of dollars would make you a relatively happy person. Heck, I’d be whistling “zippity doo da” all day and half the night, no matter who was president. Not so for the angry George Soros, who said he would give his entire $7 billion fortune “if someone guaranteed” that Bush would be beaten in November.

There are no “guarantees” of anything in life, except of course death, taxes, bad sitcoms and mullet haircuts at Rosie O’Donnell’s birthday party. There are certainly no guarantees in an election … at least not since Joe Kennedy died. So we can take Soros’ comment about giving all his money away if someone “guaranteed” Bush’s defeat to mean, “there’s no freakin’ way I’m going to do that!”

Soros would never give it all away – the Clintons wouldn’t let him. They have to ensure that Soros still has plenty of bucks left to spend on Hillary’s future campaigns, with perhaps enough left over to buy back his FBI file.

That being said, Soros has given away millions of dollars to organizations and disorganizations bent on sending Bush packing, and is the financial darling of the Democratic National Committee and anti-Bushers this election season. They bunch up close behind him and near the wallet – so much so that at Soros’ next colonoscopy, the doctor is likely to find a benign polyp and five liberal activists.

Should President Bush win re-election, will Soros consider a new strategy in his political gift giving? The main mistake the big donors on the left are making is that all the focus and resources are going toward the defeat of Bush. That’s all we hear:

“Bush must be stopped.”

“Bush is going to get us all killed!”

“‘Bush is’ … Mr. Soros, how ’bout a donation so I can finish this message? … Got any crispier bills? Thanks … ‘Bush is a Nazi!'”

Unfortunately for the Democrats, negative hollering and psychotic barking alone won’t do the trick. They have to put forth a viable product of their own.

If there are two cars for sale – one an SUV and one a sports car – and you’ve got four kids, chances are you’ll pick the SUV, no matter how much time and money the person who wants you to buy the sports car spends screaming about how lousy the SUV is. It’s a human trait, beautiful in it’s simplicity – and therefore not understood by a breed of people who could make shampoo instructions 2,500 pages long.

I’m just a Midwesterner with approximately $7 billion less than George Soros, so if Soros took the advice of guys like me, he’d be living in the three-bedroom ranch next door instead of the Hamptons – but I’d recommend that if Bush wins this November, Soros needs to make some drastic changes in how he invests his political dollar, and most importantly, from whom he takes advice.

If Soros wants to help the Democrats, forget about badmouthing the opposition, and spend some money where it will help the party. Some of it would even be relatively cheap. Duct tape to put over Ted Kennedy’s Chivas intake valve would only run a few dollars, and help with party public relations. Send John Kerry on an all-expense paid trip to the real world to learn how to stop being so incredibly condescending. Perhaps an in-house stay at a week-long Topeka bowling camp would help. Kerry looks down his nose so much that it’s an ophthalmological miracle that he isn’t cross-eyed.

Maybe Soros should spend a few million to buy up every copy of Bill and Hillary Clinton’s books before they set up an autograph tent at the Democratic National Convention and steal all the attention away from the nominee, along with some silverware and dinner plates.

The Democrats need to find some more attractive candidates fast – politicians who don’t flip-flop, mislead and haven’t had their pictures taken sitting next to communist sympathizers at protest rallies. Some of that is blamed on speechwriting mistakes and Photoshop, but the rest is a challenge. What Democrats fit the integrity bill? For now, they may have to hire a temp.

George Soros has said he would give everything he has to see Bush get defeated in 2004, but Soros had better be careful – maybe someday Bush will wake up and decide that he’s willing to give everything he has to see Soros homeless.

Oh, but only if it’s “guaranteed.” So, chances are a year from now, Bush will still be sitting in the White House, and Soros will still be in the Hamptons, hopelessly entangled in the Clintons puppet strings, and staring at his huge bank statements wondering “what if …”

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