Making legislative sausage with tobacco

Congress is the world-class leader in confusing everyone around them about what it is they're doing so that nobody has any idea what they've done or how much it's going to cost until it's too late. And there's no better example of their superiority in this regard than the current debate over a trio of issues: a corporate tax bill, a tobacco buyout bill and an FDA regulation-of-tobacco bill.

Let's see if I can boil this baby down so that even Michael Moore fans can understand it.

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First, in previous congressional action, Congress mucked up the works by passing a bill granting certain tax breaks to American exporters that turned out to be a violation of international trade laws. This sparked a dangerous international trade war. The corporate tax bill -- known by inside-the-beltway types as FSC/ETI (don't ask what it stands for; nobody really knows) -- would undo the damage Congress has already done. It is generally considered "must pass" legislation.

Now, here's the thing about "must-pass" legislation: Congress sees such bills as an opportunity to add non-essential goodies the way you and I hang ornaments on a Christmas tree. As often as not, these non-essential items would never make it through Congress on their own; but if attached to a "must pass" bill ... wunderbar!

Which brings us to the tobacco bill. Again, this is much more complicated than the way I'm going to explain it here, but I want the Michael Moore-ons to be able to understand it.

Back in the days of the Depression, the government got involved in the tobacco farming business. Well, not exactly in the farming business; in the business of limiting tobacco farming. They set quotas for the amount of tobacco that could be grown and restricted tobacco farming to a limited number of approved farmers.

For example, let's say there are two farmers, Farmer Jones and Farmer Smith. The government gave Farmer Jones permission to grow "X" amount of tobacco (his quota), but told Farmer Smith to pound dirt. Farmer Smith isn't allowed to grow ANY tobacco at all, giving Farmer Jones a valuable, government-enforced monopoly of sorts – including price supports (welfare) if the market price of the product drops.

But that which government gives, government can take away. And so it has. Since 1998, the government has cut in half the amount of tobacco Farmer Jones is allowed to grow based on a complicated mathematical formula that Einstein wouldn't understand. Although his monopoly on tobacco farming is still in place, Farmer Jones can't grow as much, which means he doesn't have near as much money in his coveralls. Farmer Jones is not a happy camper.

So someone suggested that they pay Farmer Jones a one-time fee to give up his exclusive tobacco-growing monopoly and let Farmer Smith -- and anybody else who is so willing -- grow tobacco. You know, that free-market stuff we've heard so much about. The money to pay Farmer Jones, by the way, would come from tobacco taxes being paid by tobacco users – kinda like the way only folks who use a toll road pay the toll. This, in a nutshell, is what the "tobacco buyout" bill being discussed is all about.

Now, last week the House of Representatives combined FSC/ETI and the tobacco buyout plan into one bill ... and passed it. The bill now moves to the Senate. And if the Senate would just go along with the House, everything would be settled, nice and clean and easy. But if that happened, of course, we'd have pigs flying everywhere.

The Senate considers passing a FSC/ETI bill a necessity, as well. However, Senate Democrats want to hang a huge ornament on this tree. They want to include in the bill a measure which would give the Food & Drug Administration the authority to regulate tobacco with the hope of someday making tobacco as illegal as heroin and cocaine. OK, they don't exactly say that out loud, but it's what they secretly desire.

Now remember, it was letting the government get involved in the tobacco farming business that got us into the tobacco buyout mess in the first place. Nevertheless, Democrats -- and some Republicans -- want to, once again, inject government control into the tobacco business. And these senators are saying that either the FDA regulation proposal goes in, or the tobacco buyout proposal has to come out. Or they won't vote for FSC/ETI.

On the other hand, if the Senate passes a FSC/ETI bill with both the tobacco buyout and the FDA regulation proposals attached -- or with the buyout plan removed -- the House would have to vote on it again. And folks in the House say if that's the case, the Senate version is DOA.

Eventually, since FSC/ETI is considered by almost all concerned to be "must pass" legislation, a team of negotiators from both the House and the Senate will get together to try to hammer out some kind of compromise which will, inevitably, make everybody somewhat unhappy. And you can bet somewhere, somehow, you and I are going to end up paying for it.

We always do.

Chuck Muth is president of Citizen Outreach, a nonprofit public-policy advocacy organization in Washington, D.C. The views expressed are his own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Citizen Outreach.