The Boston “D” Party

By Doug Powers

In 1773, colonists gathered at Boston Harbor and tossed tea into the water in protest of high taxation by the British. Now, 231 years later, Democrats will gather in Boston the week of July 26 in promotion of high taxes. It should be an entertaining few days.

A glance at the schedule of major speakers at the convention provides some insights into how the week will play out.

On Monday, Al Gore, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton will speak. By kicking off the “big names” with Gore and Carter, the Democrats are employing the time-honored technique of “not peaking too soon.”

Gore is sure to continue behaving like an angry protester who’s claiming that he was unjustly pepper sprayed by the authorities. He may “class it up” a bit for the occasion by not taser-gunning himself into a frenzy before taking the stage, but he’ll still be pushing the outer reaches of sanity, that most distant of areas where the lucid atmosphere ends, and the Woody Woodpecker laugh begins. Gore’s talk is sure to be interrupted at least a dozen times by applause, and another three or four times for Xanax.

After Gore, it’s time for Jimmy Carter to hit the stage. Carter’s exhortation may begin with a few words about the history of the Democratic Party, the direction in which it needs to go, and how the War on Terror could easily be brought to an end with fierce and uncompromising mediation. The speech will most likely end with the earsplitting sound of an alarm-clock buzzer over the public-address system, and the thunderous sound of thousands of dozing Democrat activists, many of them finding their “happy place” in utopian dreams of free health care and potato-powered cars, being suddenly jolted back to consciousness.

Then it’s Bill Clinton’s turn. Actually, first, it will be his wife’s turn: Hillary Clinton will introduce her husband, who will be watching while waiting in the wings, adoring the woman he cares the most about in the world, at least until he’s distracted by Hillary motioning for him to come on stage.

Bill Clinton’s speeches are always lengthy, to say the least. The content is often predictable, but the time at which they conclude always depends upon one variable: Local curfew laws. Adding to the duration of the speech will be the constant interruption of Clinton saying “Cash or charge” as he sells autographed copies of his book directly from the podium – a tome so elephantine and potentially noxious if dropped that, in the future, I predict that wars will be won simply by catapulting copies of “My Life” into enemy positions.

On Tuesday, Ted Kennedy will enter the spotlight and show America that, as the patriarch of the Democratic Party, he won’t allow anything to be compromised, except perhaps for intelligible sentences and the architectural integrity of the stage. Teresa Heinz Kerry will close out the night, perhaps by emphasizing John Kerry’s service to the United States, followed by a trip to the pawnshop to retrieve some of her rings, along with her husband, who had said he was going “fund-raising.”

On Wednesday, it’ll be time to gear up for the headliners. After a sprinkling of initial speakers, former trial attorney, Senator, and now vice presidential candidate John Edwards is expected to outline reasons to vote Democrat, and then reiterate the party platform. After that, look for Edwards to ask the crowd to scream “yes” if they’re confident John Kerry is going to be the next president of the United States, and /or if they’ve ever suffered a neck injury from a passenger-side airbag.

Thursday is the big day. John Kerry will accept the nomination for the presidency, and likely take another opportunity to tell Americans how much he understands the plight of working families, reeling them in with a touching story about the time things were getting so bad for him he almost had to sell one of his polo ponies.

Closing the convention will be Edwards joining Kerry on stage. The crowd will be screaming in approval as balloons and streamers drop from the ceiling, and the candidates continue their recent plethora of touching, hugging and mutual hair admiration, scenes that will no doubt make it into the future Kerry-Edwards campaign documentary, “La Cage Au Follicles.”

“The Boston ‘D’ Party” – Beantown will be home to yet another protest, except this time, high taxes are the goal, not the enemy, and, if any tea is tossed into the harbor, it will only be to make room for the snake oil.