John Kerry for president … of France?

By Burt Prelutsky

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The older I get, the less angry I get with politicians and the more annoyed I am with the rest of you. Barnum, I’m convinced, was right when he noted there’s a sucker born every minute. If anything, I’m afraid he understated the birth rate.

I mean, really, why do you people insist on fawning over politicians? You do realize, don’t you, that in their former lives they were all lawyers. How is it that everybody recognizes attorneys for the buzzards they are, but as soon as they head off to the state capitol or, worse yet, Washington, they’re regarded as somehow sanctified?

As I see it, they’re the same shmoes they always were, they just don’t have to work such long hours or spend half their lives standing in line at the courthouse, schlepping around those enormous briefcases.

One of the myths that the hoi polloi swallow whole hog is that politicians are performing a great public service. This fable is especially popular when it comes to very wealthy politicians. You would think that people like Kennedy, Kerry, Edwards, Feinstein and, yes, even Bush, were sacrificing themselves on funeral pyres for our sake. Keep in mind that these folks are still enormously wealthy – public office merely adds the aphrodisiacs of power and fame to their fortunes.

Another thing about your infatuation with these fat cats is that you all carry on as if the money they’re allocating to health, education, farm subsidies, etc., is coming out of their pocket. Nothing – I repeat, nothing – comes out of their pocket. And that includes travel, aides, protection and even postage. On top of all that, they have long ago voted themselves the sort of pension and health plans the rest of us can only dream about.

It always kills me when some cluck – usually a Democrat – pushes through a trillion-dollar entitlement program in Congress, and then takes bows as if he’s just written a personal check.

The fact of the matter is that a fellow like Kerry, if he really cared about the working stiff, would ask Teresa to liquidate her holdings in Heinz, a company that has most of its bottling plants outside the U.S., and, with the billion dollar proceeds, start up a company that could employ thousands of Americans. But, no, like all the other sultans in the Senate, he’d rather revel in the glory to be derived from spending your tax dollars.

Rumor has it that Mrs. Kerry made John sign a pre-nup before she’d say, yes. It makes sense to me. I wouldn’t trust a liberal politician with my money, either, if the Internal Revenue Service didn’t make me.

Speaking of Sen. Kerry, I don’t really enjoy knocking the guy. I mean, I give him all the credit in the world for making the most of his opportunities. Here’s a man who looks like he was born to be a mortician, but has nevertheless managed to snare not one, but two really rich wives. By his own admission, he committed war crimes, but he has managed to carve out a successful career in politics.

He regards Jacques Chirac as a role model even though Chirac helped Saddam Hussein get a nuclear reactor and high-grade plutonium a good 20 years before he argued against going to war against him because of oil contracts, but in some circles Kerry even gets points for this.

The problem with Kerry isn’t that he speaks French, but that he thinks French. But, then, being essentially a gigolo who has risen above his station, why wouldn’t he?

If you really want to know why I despise John (“I voted for the $87 billion before I voted against the $87 billion”) Kerry, it’s because he will say absolutely anything if he thinks it will feather his war chest or garner him an additional vote in November.

For instance, at one of his fund-raisers in New York City, people like Whoopi Goldberg and Billy Crystal spouted obscenities about President Bush, called him a thug and compared him to Hitler. When it was his turn to speak, Kerry praised all the infantile celebrities as great Americans. If that’s his idea of being a leader, I wouldn’t trust the guy to run a nursery school, let alone the country.

A more recent example of the man’s lack of a moral center took place at the NAACP convention. Sen. Kerry vowed that, if elected, he wouldn’t divide America by race. From the reaction of the delegates, you’d have thought he was handing out reparation checks The fact that they applauded him suggests that Kerry wasn’t the only hypocrite in the hall that night, but merely the tallest. This is, after all, a group that divides the nation by race on a daily basis.

If that weren’t the case, wouldn’t the organization simply be called the NAAP?