George Hamilton Kerry: Tan of the people

There are a few reasons that now make me more confident than ever that George W. Bush will win re-election. One of those reasons is that, whenever John Kerry begins to gain some headway, he always ends up reverting to what will be his downfall: Being himself. His elitist, ivory tower, leftist, arrogant, dark orange self. It wasn’t bad enough that Sen. Kerry changed positions on a daily basis, but now he’s changing colors as well.

In the big picture, Kerry’s recent fake tan fiasco is irrelevant, but yet quite telling. “The tan who would be president” needs more of the female vote, and how better to get that than to do what guys after chicks do best – lie like hell. In this case, Kerry’s attempted fib was in the form of what I’m sure was intended to resemble a suntan, but thanks to his appearance, his campaign rally later that day ended up just a shade away from being a minstrel show.

Instead of just admitting he was caught with his hand in the tanning jar, and allowing himself to exhibit the least bit of self-deprecating humor, Kerry had his people claiming that his spit-roasted, butter-basted appearance was attained naturally, at a football game. Ah yes, the big Boston Lefties vs. the Nantucket Nuclear Tanning Beds matchup … I’d almost forgotten.

When the odd tan was noticed, Kerry should have said something along the lines of, “Somebody must have put beta carotene in my Botox.” This would have immediately disarmed the criticism by creating a laugh bigger than the tan itself, and he could have quickly moved on – but this isn’t the nature of John Kerry.

How could Kerry prove he was at a football game? Easy. Because, knowing Kerry’s sports acumen, he’d be able to recount a specific event from the game. This would be something along the line of, “Tom Brady was on third, about to shoot a three-pointer, when Pedro Martinez was called for cross-checking and fouled out of the penalty box.” We’d then feel bad for ever having doubted him.

In fairness to Kerry, his people said that his mug turning the color of a Mahogany hardwood floor was the result of a flag football game with some old college buddies at Harvard. This is at least a little believable, provided that after the fellas spent two hours in the bright sun playing football, they went off the science lab to stick their faces in the atom splitter, just like old times.

Kerry could have had a little fun with the tan fiasco, but if the ability to muster up humor aimed at himself is at all ingrained in his DNA, it’s been taken hostage by the stronger strands of power hunger and insincerity, blindfolded, and told to “sit there quietly next to the baldness gene or you’ll both get it!”

A healthy dose of self-depricating humor would be a boon for the Kerry campaign, but the world will never see it … intentionally. There’s plenty of unintentional humor, however. For example, nothing is more hilarious than watching an elitist attempt to relate to Joe Sixpack without the exchange of words ending with Joe parking said elitist’s car and taking the bags up to the room. I’ll bet Kerry has at least one bowling trophy, verified authentic by Dan Rather, in a drawer ready for display at one of his homes, just in case an in-house interview is imminent, and his numbers among blue-collar workers are softening.

John Kerry’s yearning for the White House is about to come to an abrupt end, but he’ll always be able to go back to the Senate, where he can continue to work to ban assault weapons, ban tax cuts, ban the right to life, and Bain de Soleil. A couple of months from now, will Kerry’s “tan” be categorized as having fallen victim to the not-so-natural disaster phenomenon known to political scientists as “Dukakis’ Helmet”? It’s not nearly that extreme, but the reasoning behind why Kerry made his face look like something that went for a ride in an overdone bag of Pop Secret will be indicative of the cause of his failure.

The truth is, there’s a “fake tan” on just about everything the Kerry campaign is putting forward. By bathing in liquid UV rays or jamming his head into a toaster oven to woo those who he considers easily swayed by the superficial, George Hamilton Kerry has finally struck upon, if perhaps only subconsciously, an honest metaphor for his entire run for the presidency.