Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
News item (really): Oakland City Council President Ignacio de la Fuente gets Police Department to impose a 30-day moratorium on DUI checkpoints, because the roadblocks are making life difficult for otherwise law-abiding illegal aliens.
Howard Bashford, executive director of “HOLA!” a charitable organization dedicated to “Helping the Otherwise Law-Abiding,” explained this new legal concept:
“Just because these people’s very presence represents a breach of the law doesn’t mean they aren’t productive citizens,” he said. “You have to recognize that these are the folks who harvest our crops, clean our motel rooms, wash dishes in restaurants and work off the books for building contractors.
“Without them, to borrow a quote from one labor union representative, ‘our economy would fold.'”
Bashford squirmed in obvious discomfort when asked the sources of HOLA’s funds, but finally said, “Our major funding comes from a coalition of groups dedicated to social justice.”
To our “such as?” he replied, “Megafarms for Cheap Labor, the Motel Association for Cheap Labor, Restaurateurs for Cheap Labor, and Contractors for Work Off the Books.”
“So all your supporters are interested primarily in cheap labor?” we asked.
“Really, that’s not fair,” Bashford said huffily. “In fact, every one of them is in the process of adding the words ‘social justice’ to its title.”
We pointed out that his organization’s acronym was a Spanish greeting, and asked if it was concerned primarily with Latinos.
“Not at all,” Bashford protested. “We’re equally concerned with the lot of undocumented immigrants from the Baltic states, the former Soviet Union, Southeast Asia. That’s why we’re also backed by Cruise Ships for Cheap Labor. And HOLA! is such a cheery greeting, don’t you think?”
“We’re also putting together a new coalition,” he continued. “It will be called the Association Dedicated to the Incoherence Of Society and will seek social justice for a variety of otherwise law-abiding groups.
“You know, drug abusers, petty thieves, white-collar embezzlers – all those people whose legally questionable status doesn’t prevent them from being, on balance, productive members of society.”
We pondered this for a moment, then recognized the new group’s acronym.
“Oh!” we said, “ADIOS!”
“Vaya con Dios,” said Bashford, walking away briskly.
Kevin Shelley, California’s secretary of state, did an admirable job overseeing last year’s gubernatorial recall election. There were some complaints that the Democrat joined partisan efforts to delay Gov. Gray Davis’ ouster, but once the petitions were in and the signatures certified, he even-handedly oversaw the election process.
Recent developments, however, indicated he may qualify for membership in the “otherwise law-abiding.” The press, led by the San Francisco Chronicle, has turned up evidence that federal funds under the Help America Vote Act were used to enhance Shelley’s image.
He has fired nearly 20 of the consultants responsible, but some newspapers are calling for his resignation, and it hasn’t helped that former aides have complained about his profanity-laced tirades.
The profanity-laced tirade seems to be the province of Democratic Party officials in Sacramento. We never have heard of a PLT by a Republican, but we wouldn’t be surprised if there were members of the GOP who flew off the handle from time to time. There are plenty of bloated egos on both sides of the aisle in the state capitol.
But back to the recall election: Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamente finished a very poor third to Schwarzenegger and state Sen. Tom McClintock, and the lieutenant governor will be term-limited out of his current office in 2006.
He’s eyeing a run for state insurance commissioner, which would give him a raise in pay to $140,000 a year, up from his current $131,250. It would be quite a change from his present job. The insurance commissioner has some actual duties.
Rather good: Reader Bill Snyder writes, “[Dan] Rather’s antics have me musing about the Irish tune ‘Danny Boy.’ Some words that have gone through my mind to that tune are:
“Oh, Danny Boy, the lies, the lies are crawling,
“From hoax to hoax and down the slippery slide.”
“That’s as far as I’ve gotten,” says Snyder, so let us add:
“The summer’s gone, and all the ratings fallen,
It’s you, it’s you must go – no place to hide.”
