I believe! I used to walk in darkness, until one day, a savior was born in the west wing of a military hospital in Colorado. For years, he wandered the Earth, seeking those in pain, healing those wounded by the injustices of the Vietnam War. He used the wealth of women to help the meek by seeking his own slot in the United States Senate. And now, he’s running for president, praise be to God!
Because, you see, John Edwards convinced me, one bright, fine day, that John Kerry could heal. Heal, you hear? “When John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve are going to walk. Get up out of that wheelchair and walk again,” the Southern prophet told a group of true believers.
And so I thought to myself: Here am I, a mere columnist, a staunch backer of President Bush, and he hasn’t healed anyone. Heck, he ain’t even got himself a prophet. And I thought again: What if the boy prophet is right? What if John Kerry actually can heal the paraplegic? Who’s to say that he of the godly hair has not uttered ultimate truth?
After all, lawyer Edwards was once able to channel the thoughts of a brain-damaged girl during a trial. Apparently without the aid of any psychedelic drug, the Inspired Attorney exclaimed to a jury: “She speaks to you through me. And I have to tell you right now – I didn’t plan to talk about this – right now, I feel her. I feel her presence. She’s inside me, and she’s talking to you.” And you know what? She was inside the prophet! To the tune of a $6.5 million verdict and a large commission for the purveyor of godly truth!
John Edwards was so good at channeling babies, in fact, that he could tell exactly which ones were victims of malpractice. Despite the lack of any medical evidence suggesting that Caesarian deliveries lowered the incidence of cerebral palsy, the Channeler was able to tell juries exactly which babies had been damaged as a result of vaginal delivery – because he wouldn’t take a case knowing it to be baseless. I don’t believe a man who litigated against Edwards, who told the New York Times: “He paints himself as a person who was serving the interests of the downtrodden, the widows and the little children. Actually, he was after the cases with the highest verdict potential.” That blasphemer!
I believe, I tell you! Our country’s savior, John Kerry, will do more than heal paraplegics. He’ll be able to reach out his hands and turn hatred to love! Let his hands rest on the heads of French President Jacques Chirac and German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, and they will fall at his feet in convulsions of adoration! “We need a president who has the credibility to bring our allies to our side and share the burden,” the Boston Healer says. And he’ll do it, even though France and Germany have already said they want no part of the war in Iraq.
And, praise be, John Kerry has shown me the error of my ways. He’s shown me that President Bush hates the poor: “Well, in the story of the Good Samaritan, we are told of two men who pass by or cross to the other side of the street when they come upon a robbed and beaten man. They felt compassion, but there were no deeds … It is clear: For four years, George W. Bush may have talked about compassion, but he’s walked right by.” Laughing as former Rep. Carrie Meek told a crowd of churchgoers that the Democratic Savior is “fighting against liars and demons … He challenges the man who walks with a jaunty step,” Kerry showed me how President Bush is really a devil.
I could say more, but I can feel the Divine Kerry Presence beginning to flow through me, and I should wrap this up before I begin speaking in tongues. I believe that John Kerry will turn swords into plowshares. I believe he’ll turn his wife’s fortune into a trust fund for starving babies. I believe he can provide health care for all Americans by laying his hands upon the sick. I believe he can feed Americans with fish he catches while windsurfing. I believe he can turn a Wendy’s photo op into a ritzy European dinner. I believe he can ski if those darn Secret Service guys will just get out of his way. I believe he can actually throw a baseball from the pitcher’s mound to home plate on the fly.
I have become a Kerry Apostle. Now, if only I could get that giant invisible bunny to stop following me.
