Sometimes the call is expected, sometimes not. Either way, everything you knew and everything you hoped for is changed in the blink of an eye. For some that call comes with news of an accident or illness; for others an unexpected layoff or call to duty overseas. For me that call came last Friday.
I am five months pregnant. And the call I received was that my 5-month-old little girl tested positive for Down’s syndrome.
Ironically, just one week before, I was asked in a radio interview what I would do under just such a circumstance. I was shocked by the question and knew I could not answer.
Why? Because that is one of those questions in life that no one can truly answer until they are confronted with just such a reality. All I could answer with certainty is what I would not do – that is end the life of my unborn baby.
In the days that followed the fated call, I cried – a lot; my husband with me. We cried mostly over our shattered dreams and fear of the difficulties the future would likely hold for our baby girl. (For those who don’t know, the symptoms of Down’s syndrome include poor muscle tone, hearing loss, frequent heart and intestinal problems that can require surgery immediately upon birth, and retardation.)
I must also admit I cried because I was feeling hurt that God would deliver me such a blow. I have been a defender of life and the rights of the unborn for many years. I have sacrificed much to stand on this frontline because nothing is more horrible in my mind than the taking of innocent life. And nothing moves me to action like the cries of children silenced in the womb by a culture absorbed with perfection, convenience and sexual indulgence.
Even so, it was a few days before I was led to my knees in complete surrender of the circumstances, my child’s life and my life (once more) unto the Lord and His Sovereignty. The struggle to my surrender and climb back to my feet is well-captured in the words of Susan Ashton in her song “Stand.” It goes something like this:
With visible breath, I’m calling your name. With visible tracks, I’m finding my way. With a sorrowful heart, I honor this place and offer these tears to your name. In a moment of truth at the top of the hill, I open my arms and let go of my will.
And stand with my face to the wind with this storm beating down, on this sacred ground. If I stand, for the grace that I’ve known, for what I believe then I won’t stand alone.
There’s a new pair of eyes to embrace all I see, a new peace of mind that comes quietly. There’s a joy in my heart that you’ve given to me and I offer this soul’s melody. So I beat on my chest till my song has been sung, and I cry like the wolf at the top of my lungs.
And stand with my face to the wind with this storm beating down, on this sacred ground. If I stand, for the grace that I’ve known, for what I believe then I won’t stand alone.
Powerful as that surrender was, it is not the end of my story. (Here is where I go further out on a limb than I have ever gone, both in my life and in this column.)
On Tuesday, I was once again spending hours in private prayer and study of His Word. It began with John 12:32 running through my heart and mind. “If I, even I, be lifted up I will call all men unto myself.”
So it was as I started my prayer that morning that through surrender of these circumstances that “Christ would somehow be lifted up.” Then, some two hours later, my prayer time and study took an unexpected turn. I found myself led, in a way that can only be described as supernatural, to and through the following scriptures.
- Proverbs 3:5-8: Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path. Be not wise in thine own eyes, fear the Lord and depart from evil and it shall be health to thy navel and marrow to thine bone.
- Mark 10:27 – All things are possible with God.
- Philippians 4:7 – And the peace of God which passes all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
It is important to remember in reading these passages that my Ph.D. is in DNA Technology. It also is important to realize that the portions of the verses I have underlined, God laid on my heart with particular emphasis.
That said, I came immediately to understand and accept these scripture as a word from the Lord. To my sincere surprise, I recognized this “word” as a call to stand on the good health of my child regardless of the DNA tests.
And there I remain, blessed by anyone willing to stand with me for the next five months on this extraordinary call to faith and promise from the Lord – that He may be lifted up.
We have named our baby Victoria.
