There’s something in the water. That’s my take. Something in the water caused the liberal left to lose big-time on election night 2004.
Sneak a peek at our electoral map of the U.S. Blue states voted for Kerry. Red states voted for Bush.
Blue states are all bordered – at least on one side – by large bodies of water. And we all know the color of the sea is blue.
Consider the left-tilt of the Nor’easters. New England overwhelmingly voted for the Loser. Again. And New England sits on the Atlantic. Pennsylvania and New York share lots of water with the Great Lakes. In that region, only Ohio voted on the winning side. Erie, isn’t it?
Speaking of the Great Lakes, those states are dripping in Election Day blue this year. The four Midwestern states, which share expensive shoreline on the Great Lakes, are: Michigan, Illinois, Wisconsin and Minnesota. All blue. The Land of Ten Thousand Liberals is so waterlogged, Minnesotans have perpetually been in the State of Denial since the failed presidency of Democrat Jimmy Carter. In fact, in the People’s Republic of the Upper Midwest, only land-locked Iowa went red this time. Interesting sidebar: The majority of blue counties in Iowa are right along the Mississippi River. There it is, again. Water.
More water fodder for my theory.
Out West there is, of course, the Pacific Ocean. All three Left Coast states in the continental U.S. are bright Smurf-blue – Washington state, Oregon and “Cully-foan-yuh.” Lots of over-priced water frontage up and down the West Coast, for sure.
Hawaii has only voted twice for a Republican president since being granted statehood. And, being a chain of islands, the blue state of Hawaii is obviously surrounded by the blueness of the Pacific.
There are exceptions to my water-on-the-brain voter theory. Alaska is a red state and it sits on the Pacific. But it has lots of glaciers and icebergs. Frozen water is white, of course. Not blue. So Alaska ends up in the red column.
The Gulf Coast states all went red, as did the states of Virginia, Florida and the Carolinas – all in the Gulf Stream of the Atlantic. But all of those Southern states have taken direct hits by hurricanes. Recently, too. In an election year. Example: Four hurricanes struck Florida this season, and I believe it was Hurricane Charlie, who said on CNN in an interview with Wolf Blitzer, and I quote: “Hanging chads, huh? Let’s see if your chads are still hanging this year.”
So, hurricanes are nature’s way of keeping the South water states in the red, both literally and figuratively.
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On the big post-election map, we’ve conveniently re-labeled the blue states for all of you geography whiz-kids, out there.
New England will now be dubbed “West France” – or “New Old Europe.” The Great Lakes states (minus Ohio) are heretofore called “South Canada.” West Coast states earn the coveted title of “Disneyland” (which, by the way, encompasses Michael Moore’s new personal zip code). And the Hawaiian Islands snag the catchy moniker: “U.N. Headquarters & World Naval Contemplation.”
The rest of the country is pure Republican Red. These red states are also known simply as: “The United States of America.”
In an amazing display of post-election bipartisanship, the red states would like to raise a toast to all of you blue states. We know you have all that water where you are, but we’ve heard it’s completely unsafe to drink. So, being the red-blooded Americans we are in the red states, we’re exporting giant tanker trucks of red Kool-Aid to each of the blue states. Here’s to victory! Drink up.
Bottom line: There’s definitely something in the water. And, whatever it is, it turns voters blue.
So here’s my advice – if your state borders a large body of water that is NOT directly impacted by hurricanes or glaciers, please MOVE IMMEDIATELY TO A RED STATE before the next general election. You can hold your breath until your state turns bright blue, but it won’t affect the outcome of who’s going to Washington …or your mood, for the next four years.
Blue. Am I right?
Kevin Norberg is an author, actor, director, network television producer and video artist. He resides in Minneapolis, Minn.
