Recent comments by Michael Moore offer interesting advice to his party for future elections. “Democrats need to embrace Hollywood because this is where they need to come to learn how to tell a story,” said Moore. Poor Democrats – they’re seeking a “shining city on a hill” and all they get from their consultant is directions to Jonestown.

Future Democrat candidates should embrace Hollywood more? This is one group hug that could ensure Republican control of the government until the sun turns into a white dwarf, plus a few weeks.

Are leftist celebrity activists ever successful in getting what they want, or accurate in their predictions enough to warrant a politician wanting to buddy up to them? A brief random sampling from recent history answers that question:

  • For the last couple of decades, many celebrities have petitioned presidents and others to release from prison, or at least get a new trial for, Leonard Peltier, who was convicted in 1975 of killing two FBI agents. Peltier is still using soap-on-a-rope and padlocked briefs to this day.

  • In 1998, celebrities from around the world signed a petition calling Kenneth Starr’s investigation into Bill Clinton’s perjury an “inquisitorial harassment by a fanatical prosecutor.” Clinton was impeached soon after.

  • Over 15 years ago, Ted Danson said the oceans would be gone in 10 years. As far as soothsaying goes, you could get more accurate information from Miss Cleo.

  • Early in 2002, many actors signed a petition asking U.S. senators to vote against a plan to bury the nation’s nuclear power waste at Nevada’s Yucca Mountain. The petition so impressed Congress that they immediately started dumping nuclear waste in the Yucca Mountain (known in Congress by the code name “Enrico Fermi’s Port-A-Potty”).

Why do they fail? They’re simply convinced that anybody who will pay $8.50 to see them pretend to be a detective or troubled loner on the big screen will at least pay attention when they’re on a political soap box. The price of the former is often too much for most people – the price of the latter, exorbitantly high.

Buddy up to them more, future Democrat candidates, and see how that goes. Go ahead and embrace Chevy Chase, the actor whose previous few movies have made so little money that they have been banned in certain cities because they legally qualify as “panhandling.” At a recent awards ceremony put on by the “People for the American Way,” Chase spouted off against President Bush, calling him, in part, “uneducated.”

Chase was the valedictorian of his high-school class, got a bachelor of arts in English from Bard college, and now has a career that is an 8-track tape in a CD world. Obviously, Chase is in the position to call somebody with an MBA from Harvard who only made it as far president of the United States “uneducated.”

Take Moore’s advice, Democrats, and pull closer to Alec Baldwin and Susan Sarandon, who recently accepted the People for the American Way’s “Defender of Democracy” award at the same dinner attended by Chase. Who would have thought that democracy could be defended solely by two actors armed only with lunacy launchers and pointed idiocy?

  • Wrap your arms tighter around Barbra Streisand and see how much further it carries your political career. I can’t pick on Barbra too much right now. Streisand recently suffered a medical issue, having a benign polyp removed from her colon which was discovered after she performed a duet with a sigmoidoscope. “Benign polyp,” just so you know, is a medical term meaning “activist’s head.”

  • According to Moore, future Democrats seeking election need to give bigger hugs to the likes of Danny Glover and the Fidel Castro bobblehead on the back dashboard of his car, and Rob Reiner, best known as “Meathead” – oh, and he also played the role of Mike Stivic on “All in the Family.”

  • Moore thinks Dems need to pull closer to Richard Gere, who said that America has never paid attention to other people. He said something after that, but I’d stopped listening. Gere represents those Americans who think “Tibet” is what you go to Vegas to do.

  • A stronger and longer Dem-style snuggle needs to go to activist and former “M*A*S*H” star Mike Farrell, co-founder of “artists united to win without war“, and, excluding Hollywood madams, is the only Californian to have the letters “B.J.” as the highlight of his resume.

  • Democrat presidential and congressional candidates need to more tightly embosom Ed Asner, the “Yoda” of leftist Malibu Jedi. Asner has described those who like President Bush as “sheep,” but can’t explain what the wool is doing over his eyes.

Hug away, Democrat candidates for office. With Michael Moore in mission control preparing to launch your campaigns, failure is an option.

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