The Academy Awards are over, and the winners are clutching a gold-covered naked man, which – with a few exceptions on Hollywood Boulevard at 2 a.m. – is a small statue known as “Oscar.”
There is another level of performances in the past months that are deserving of recognition as well, which are traditionally snubbed by the Academy. That’s where the “Bologna Awards” come into play. The “Bologna’s” recognize and appreciate fine performances in the fields of scam artistry, miscreant behavior, weasel, and irony.
Here is a brief recap of this year’s “Bologna Award” winners:
“Quickest move to the right in a political drama and/or comedy”
Hillary Rodham Clinton takes the top prize for “Red State Blues: Anti-gay marriage, pro-life, and the selling of the socialist soul in preparation for 2008.”
“Most convincing portrayal of a Native American who loathes both the United States and shampoo”
Ward Churchill wins for “Big Trouble in Little Eichmann.” Also a winner of the Michael Moore ribbon at the “Con Film Festival,” Churchill immerses himself in the role of a leftist professor who claimed to be a Native American to get his job, but faces being fired after it is revealed that the only way he could possibly be an Indian is if he plays baseball for Cleveland.
“Best negotiation in a deep sea adventure”
The Navy’s newest submarine, the “USS Jimmy Carter” wins in the “Irony” category for its role in “Ready, aim, mediate!”
“Best dramatic performance by a male escort posing as a newsman”
Jeff Gannon-James Guckert is victorious as a credentialed reporter at White House press briefings in “Fake Reporter, Phony News Service: This time we’re not talking about Helen Thomas or CBS.”
“Outstanding choreography in a protest”
The synchronized dissent of the Turn Your Back On Bush group takes home the “Bologna” for “Band of Bothers.” The TYBOB troupe, all 15 of them, offered brilliant performances as politically disgruntled Americans who line the route of the inaugural parade and simultaneously turn and face the other way as the president’s car drives by, showing him their disapproval of his policies, not to mention, in some cases, Pearl Jam’s 1999 World Tour schedule.
“Best attempt by a corporation to appease PETA”
Mercedes-Benz is a winner for their role in the gripping story, “The Udder Madness of the Auto Industry,” about a car company that agrees to use synthetic materials for some interiors instead of leather. In an unforgettably depressing final scene, Mercedes-Benz agrees to let the cows go, PETA exits happy … then the cows are slaughtered for beef and the skin is thrown in the garbage.
“Most ill-advised career move since Dukakis said, ‘Are you sure I look OK in this helmet?'”
Doug Wead, who released secretly recorded conversations with George W. Bush to help sell a book, takes home a “Bologna” for his leading role in “Wead Killer: Imagine what he’d be capable of if he weren’t a Christian.”
“Best rollover on former friends to sell books in a non-Wead related genre”
Jose Canseco proves to be “Bologna-worthy” for a flawless performance as a former steroid abuser, with severe financial problems, who writes a tell-all expose naming other players who took a drug that offers arms of steel, lots of home runs, and Raisinette genitalia. “A Season on the Fink” is a must see.
“Best actor in an ‘avoiding the courtroom’ drama”
Michael Jackson goes home with a pint-sized “Bologna” for his role in “One Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.”
“Best performance by actors in a non-acting role”
The mantles of Hollywood left and liberal musicians overflow with “Bologna” for their role in the geopolitical disaster epic, “So Scared We Can’t Move.” It’s the day after the 2004 election, and many celebrities have threatened to leave the country if George W. Bush won a second term. The action follows Alec Baldwin, Cher, Robert Redford and many others as they watch in horror as Bush wins a second term. The film reaches a suspenseful crescendo when … they don’t leave.
“Snobbiest mob scene”
Peeved French citizens are winners for their staging of massive demonstrations to protest that nation’s proposed, and subsequent repeal, of the “35-hour-workweek” law. The subtitled film documentary, “Sacre bleu! Bastille Day, Part Deux,” does its part to eliminate stereotypes after proving that, yes, there are some things the French won’t easily surrender.
“Most time spent going by a last name that, as a strong feminist, you hate, but keep for attempted political gain”
Teresa Heinz, who recently dropped the “Kerry” surname, takes a “Bologna” home for her role in the Kerry-Edwards campaign biopic, “Perms of Endearment” (award presented by “Lifetime Achievement” winner in this category, Hillary Rodham Clinton).
Tune in next year for the second annual Bologna Awards.