Next: Punitive expeditions

Editor's note: Michael Ackley's columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.

"We will have you arrested! We will have you thrown into el carcel! We will prosecute you to the full extent of the law if you detain our citizens."

The speaker was Doroteo Arango, abogadissimo in Mexico's Foreign Relations Department. The object of his ire was the "Minuteman" organization and its "Border Watch" in the state of Arizona.

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Echoing the words of President Bush, Arango called a press conference at which he railed against "vigilantes."

However, he was stumped when asked if he was unaware of the U.S. institution of citizen's arrest.

"Citizen's arrest?" he mused. "What's that?"

A kindly reporter, J.J. Pershing of the Lowland Press Association, explained that in the United States any citizen may effect an arrest for a violation of the law.

"This is incredible," sputtered Arango. "Even your president opposes Border Watch. How can individual citizens defy him?"

"They can and they will and they are," answered Pershing. "What are you going to do about it? Invade?"

"We tried that in 1916," answered the lawyer, regaining his composure. "If we can't have the Minutemen arrested, this time we'll bring out the heavy artillery."

"What would that be?" asked Pershing.

Arango's answer was venomous.

"Civil lawsuits!" he hissed.

"Have you seen my scissors? Where are my scissors?"

Sandy Berger was rummaging frantically through his desk, but just couldn't find the shears.

At last, an aide appeared in his office door.

"Don't you recall, sir? A condition of your plea bargain is 'no scissors,'" he reminded the former Clinton adviser.

Berger slumped in his leather-upholstered swivel chair.

"But I need them," he protested. "A national security adviser needs scissors."

"You're not national security adviser any longer," his aide said gently. "Remember? The Clinton administration ended after the 2000 elections. George W. Bush has been president since then."

"But I was still helping Al Gore," Berger protested. "Al needed me."

"Al fired you after you got caught smuggling those papers out of the National Archives," the aide reminded. "You cut them up – with scissors."

"Yes, yes. I remember now," said Berger resignedly. "But I need scissors."

He gazed vacantly into space as the aide quietly closed the door.

Outside, the aide sadly addressed Berger's secretary, "I didn't have the heart to tell him the plea deal actually was 'no sharp objects.'"

Also in denial: House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi believes our "right-wing" Congress has shown "contempt for democracy." One wonders: What is it you don't understand about the title minority leader, Ms. Pelosi?

Generalizing from the particular: A California legislator has a bill in the works that would require the state (who else?) to provide sunscreen and wide-brimmed hats to employees who work out of doors. The senator who introduced it apparently was moved by the reasoning of a woman whose daughter died of skin cancer.

If the bill passes, the natural course of government eventually would extend the responsibility for providing hats and sunscreen to all employers, for we all know that anybody who works for wages cannot be trusted to look after himself.

However, this would stimulate certain sectors of the economy. Hard hat manufacturers, for example, would find a new market for wide-brimmed helmets.

But, seriously ... Earth is a hazardous place, and no job is without its hazards. Even secretaries are in danger of paper cuts, which could become infected by flesh-eating bacteria, leading to disability or death.

Wouldn't it be simpler for the Legislature to mandate that as many of the states' employees as possible do no work at all?

Oh, wait. We already have that system.