Un-altared States: Case of the runaway bride

Although I just cant quite take these silly scandals seriously, somehow they seem to mesmerize millions of Americans, when we should rather be worrying about our putative president's runaway government. But this latest one's a doozy: Breathtakingly beautiful brunette Georgia nurse goes out running one evening, leaves keys, wallet, diamond ring, and ID behind, and never returns to the home she shares with her fiance on eve of their wedding.

Missing, kidnapped, runaway or what?

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Sounds familiar, huh? Part of me envisions another interminable Chandra Levy case in the making, where endless speculations about her supposed fate would emerge, including rumors she was sold into white slavery, fueling yet another media feeding frenzy, before she – or her body-- is found somewhere, somehow, in one un-altared state or another.

And then, middle of the night reports surface she'd showed up in Albuquerque, initially claiming she was kidnapped. Somehow, I find myself falling into a deep, deep sleep.

The next morning, always the headline maven, my fond friend "Fred From Fresno" wakes me with breaking news: "The missing bride's been found, safe."

Really? She made it all up? No kidnapping? Right? How do I know these things? I haaaaaate that.

Right, he replies. "She must have seen that movie, 'Runaway Bride.' Did you hear the 911 call? It's all a hoax to get a book contract and a movie deal. Except it's been done before."

Heck, maybe I'd high-tail it to Albuquerque, too, if 600 guests were invited to my wedding. Who needs that kind of stress?

That said, how selfish can she be? They worried she was dead. Search parties 400 strong, folks sieving sewers for her body, a $100,000 reward raised by her family, prayer vigils.

Sad, how she'd deliberately disappear like that, without having even the decency, dignity, respect, or cajones to face her family, fiance and friends, and call the ceremony off instead of leaving everyone in the proverbial lurch.

But she's not a criminal, "Fred" insists.

So what. Tacky, tacky behavior. If anything, this is a "crime of the heart." Which will, doubtlessly soon be rewarded by her own TV reality show, "OTHERWISE ENGAGED," featuring an unlimited supply of incredibly handsome, willing swains who can audition their butts off for her, fall in love serially, besotted and beside themselves, until she inevitably beheads each of them during Sweeps Week.

How is she a criminal? "Fred" persists at press-time, before the spit hits the fan.

Look, Freddie, sometimes, "criminal" is in the eye of the beholder. Like that famous cat scene in "Alien," kind of a cinematic Rorschach test for personal morality. Corporate-type "rationalists" suggest following orders and fleeing the endangered spaceship before it blows up. While others blessed with more human emotions – such as empathy – root for Sigourney Weaver to free the threatened feline and rescue the animal even if she risks her own life or disobeys a direct order in doing so.

Apparently I'm not the only one who doesn't sympathize with the poor, overburdened bride-to-be. From an Associated Press report:

The mood outside Jennifer Wilbanks' home went from jubilant to somber after she changed her story. Family members ducked inside and the blinds were drawn, but they later expressed relief that she was safe. "Sure, we were all disappointed, maybe a little embarrassed, but you know what, if you remember all the interviews yesterday we were praying, 'At this point let her be a runaway bride,'" said the Rev. Alan Jones, who was to perform the wedding.

"... [T]his is one of the most selfish and self-centered acts I've ever seen. We saw her parents, and you could see the anguish in their eyes. It was terrible,'' [a local cafe-owner] said. "I don't care where you are – unless you're in the Amazon rain forest, you'd know everybody was out looking for you.''

But wait. Maybe "Fred's" right about that movie angle: "In the romantic comedy Runaway Bride," according to Moviefone, "Julia Roberts plays Maggie, who's left so many prospective husbands at the altar, she's gained notoriety as 'the Runaway Bride,' and a reporter, played by Richard Gere, is assigned to write a story about her. He tracks her down to a small Maryland town where she's spending time with her family and preparing to give marriage another try. However, the more time she spends with the persistent reporter, the more second thoughts she has about her fiance." Oh, and she leaves the reporter at the altar, too.

See, "Fred" says presciently, there's your column.