If only I’d of known how easy it was to implement a theocracy! So little time, so many adoring subjects. Why, back in high school, I would have worked harder and become class valedictorian. That would have positioned me to offer up the appropriate prayer at graduation and – poof! – instant theocracy.

Or perhaps I’d have volunteered to read the school announcements. One quick prayer slipped in between the times for girls volleyball and Mr. Harmon’s chess club – and before the school principal could wrestle the microphone away from me – and I’d have been set for life!

Legions of adoring leftists would have lined up in front of my throne, kissed my ring, and then gone back to their fields of labor so they could send me a tenth of their fruits and nuts as tribute. Federal judges would bow before inquiring about the disposition of their cases. Mothers would offer up their children, and Democratic presidential candidates would seek my blessing. Not to mention American Civil Liberties Union attorneys, who would tithe a tenth of their courtroom plunders. Ah, theocracy! So many religious kingdoms, so little time.

Today, of course, it’s more difficult. Thanks to the vigilance of Americans United for the Separation of God and America (Church and State) and ACLU attorneys schooled in the international law of Bangladesh or Sudan, it’s no longer a matter of simply offering up a prayer at your local high-school football game and ascending your throne. Why, it’s even harder than placing the Ten Commandments in front of the local courthouse where non-Christians, Jews, Hindus, secular humanists and, of course, the omnipresent atheist might pass by and be converted.

No, to implement a successful theocracy today, you must be Muslim. Women in parts of Canada recently succeeded in their efforts to be treated as property by implementing Sharia law, and Britain is next. Mosques in Michigan now have the blessings of city hall to call the faithful – and everyone else – to prayer just like clockwork. But don’t you dare ring that Christian church bell on Sunday morning, you vile secularist backsliding theocratist! How dare you shove your religion down my throat by ringing that bell a bare three miles from my home!

Odd, isn’t it?

Only the Christian religion seems to alarm the secular theocratists. The heads of truck drivers, engineers, missionaries and aid workers can be rolling by the news desks of the media’s secular theists, and they issue not a word of warning or condemnation. Headless, fatwa-wrapped bodies float down the Tigris or Euphrates, and the media writes about the evils of water pollution under the Bush administration. But let a Christian stand up at a football game or graduation ceremony and thank God for the day, the event and the audience … and all hell breaks loose.

It seems never to occur to leftists that under the Muslim theocracy they are helping to create – with lax immigration policies and political correctness – their own heads will be the first to roll. A free press, democratic government, taxpayer-supported abortions, prison reform, feminist academic revisionism and gay rights aren’t high on the agenda of most Muslim state governments.

But that’s the nature of the left in America. It’s members are so busy inventing imaginary evils and shouting them from the rooftops that they fail to recognize the wolf when he knocks at the door. I guess that means more penance for conservative columnists writing about why the left is so loony.

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