Hillary at the Pearly Gates

"Where am I? What is this place?"

"Mrs. Clinton?"

TRENDING: Is America having a near-death experience, or is this the end?

"Yes ... who are you? What is this place?"

"My name is Peter. I'm the doorman here."

"Well, open the door then. And it's Sen. Clinton, if you don't mind."

"Well, I don't mind, Sen. Clinton. The truth is, we don't pay much attention to those things up here."

"You will when I get in here. Now where exactly is 'here' anyway? Where am I, how'd I get here, and why haven't you opened that dam--- door?"

"Mrs. ... excuse me, Sen. Clinton, we've been expecting you, of course, but not quite this soon. There are just a few formalities ..."

"You still haven't told me where I am. And why isn't there anyone else around?"

"It's actually quite a cause for celebration, Mrs ... er, Sen. Clinton. You see, it's your birthday, so to speak, into eternity!"

"You're talking nonsense. Everybody knows we evolved from the big bang or some noise or other, that she who dies with the most toys wins, and when it's over, it's over."

"But as you see, that's not the case."

"Are you saying that I'm dead?"

"We prefer the 'birthday into eternity' metaphor here."

"You still haven't told me – where, exactly, is 'here?'"

"Where do you think you are, Mrs. Clinton?"

"Are you trying to tell me all those Neanderthal, Bible-thumping, right-wing fundamentalists were right? Oh, God!"

"We'll get to that in a moment, Sen. Clinton. But as I mentioned, before I can open the door there are just a few formalities."

"Just open the d--- door!"

"Not until we've established your credentials."

"Everybody here knows who I am! I have an army of people working full time telling the world who I am and all the wonderful things I do for others. They're very good at what they do – well, most of them – but they're not cheap. Just ask the taxpayers."

"I'm sure that's true, Mrs. Senator, I mean Sen. Mrs. ... Sen. Clinton. That's not actually the issue. There's just a short – it's actually just a true or false – questionnaire that you have to fill out ..."

"Give me that piece of paper! Hmmm ... just as I thought. More fundamentalist claptrap! Don't you people know about separation of church and state? I don't have to put up with this. This is unconstitutional! Now Peter, you're going to open that d--- door and take me to whoever is running this place. This is no way to treat a dignitary!"

"I'm sorry; I can't do that."

"And why not?"

"Your name's not on the list."

"What in the world are you talking about. My name is on everything from Emily's List on down, which means that it's on every list that matters in this world. You can't ..."

"Sen. Clinton ... our Father has ordered that only the people He already knows are to be allowed to enter through this door."

"You said, 'your father.' So you're not just the doorman around here. You've actually got some clout."

"I'm well-known, in certain circles."

"Peter, I'm a lawyer. So don't try to pull one over on me. I know there are always exceptions. Always. I'll bet you can't tell me with a straight face that that piece of paper that I just crumpled up and stomped on with those few silly questions on it was the only way to get inside here. And just remember, Peter, it's always wrong to lie – especially to someone in the government."

"Well, er ... ah ... it is true that there have been a handful of people who have sought to have their case heard directly ..."

"That's me, Peter! Now we're getting somewhere. The rules are never for the people who really matter, they're for everybody else. Tell me how it works."

"Well, it's a courtroom setting ..."

"Excellent!"

"But the Judge is allowed to ask questions directly."

"Oh, not so good. What kind of questions? Wait a minute – he's not going to ask anything that was on that silly list, is he?"

"Oh, no, Mrs. ... Senator. You're well beyond that list."

"Good. When can I see him?"

"I'll have to get back to you on that."

"And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?"

"Have a look around at the alternative destination while you prepare your arguments."