'Common problems'
on the border

Editor's note: Michael Ackley's columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.

News item: According to a Pew Hispanic Center report, 40 percent of Mexicans would move to the United States for better economic and educational opportunities. Twenty percent would immigrate illegally.

Meanwhile, Mexico's Foreign Ministry has protested the declaration of a "security emergency" on the New Mexico border, saying it does not "correspond to a spirit of cooperation and understanding that's required to resolve common problems along the border."

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Seeking a deeper explanation, we contacted the Mexican consul's office in Sacramento, California's capital, and gained an appointment with foreign ministry spokesman Doroteo Arango.

Arango rose from his massive desk – which bore a "Mi oficina tuya" sign – and greeted us with a warm abrazo. He offered coffee, asked us to be seated on a comfortable couch and drew up a chair.

"Ask any question," he said, smiling. "I'll be only too happy to answer."

"Your ministry's statement referred to 'common problems,'" we said. "We Americans naturally focus on those things we see as problems for us. Can you tell us the problems Mexico faces along the border?"

"Certainly," he said. "We understand why hordes of Americans sneak into our country every day, and we appreciate the fact they do the jobs no Mexican will do. But many are just a burden on our generous social safety net – overburdening our hospitals, clogging our school system, draining welfare funds.

"Further, while we recognize most are hard-working, honest people, some are criminals responsible for Mexico's serious drug problem. We have traced their marijuana smuggling routes from the forests of your Mendocino County, through the back roads of Nevada, New Mexico and Arizona to transit points along the border. Why, they even have dug tunnels to move their contraband into our country.

"And it isn't just 'pot,' as you call it. Tons of cocaine and heroin also are moving south. The smugglers also bring other crimes – robbery, rape, extortion."

"Wow!" we exclaimed. "We had no idea."

But Arango was just getting warmed up.

"There's also the matter of public health," he continued. "We fear many of these 'undocumented immigrants' are carrying diseases like tuberculosis and typhoid from underdeveloped areas of the United States where medical care is lacking.

"Beyond that – and let me reiterate that most Americans are honest and hard-working – some of the people slipping into Mexico well may be terrorists intent on disrupting our vibrant, job-generating economy.

"Then we have our cultural concerns – and I know this is a sensitive issue for Americans. However, we must face the fact that our cultures are different and persons fleeing your institutionalized corruption and oligarchic social and political structures may carry some of that taint into our relatively pure society."

We were stunned, but Arango wasn't quite finished.

"Of course, even these things aren't our greatest concern," he said, hesitating.

"Well, what is?" we asked.

Arango paused a moment more, then exclaimed, "Its those blasted Minutemen!"

Want to know why the United States is so dependent on foreign oil? California Sen. Dianne Feinstein is among those demanding cancellation of offshore oil leases in three California counties.

The environmental lobby, fearing oil spills, has blocked exploitation of the leaseholds for decades. As a result, that oil can't augment our domestic supply – nor does the state enjoy the petroleum royalties that used to pay for its educational infrastructure, highways and other public works.

California public information will be a little less public if the City of Fresno has its way. It's planning to charge $1,795 for access to data on a website, arguing that computer software programs are not subject to the California Public Records Act.

This is notwithstanding the fact that the law specifies public records include "any writing containing information relating to the conduct of the public's business prepared, owned, used or retained" by public agencies.

And just to make sure there was no misunderstanding of its intent, the Legislature defined "writing" as "handwriting, typewriting, printing, photostating, photographing, and every other means of recording upon any form of communication or representation, including letters, words, pictures, sounds, or symbols, or combination thereof, and all papers, maps, magnetic or paper tapes, photographic films and prints, magnetic or punched cards, discs, drums, and other documents [our emphasis]."

Why does Fresno think its website is exempt from this law? The short answer is that public officials find public access to public information inconvenient. When people know what government is doing, they ask pesky questions.

No doubt Fresno's city parents will trot out some lawyer to mouth the lie that their plan is legal, but eventually somebody will sue over this and Fresno will lose – at substantial cost to its citizens.

A couple of readers who have spent time in Japan gently tell us that "Hiroshima" is, indeed, pronounced with the accent on the second syllable. This is bad news for Random House, whose dictionary provided us the "preferred" pronunciation.