Why do we work?

Am I morally obligated to tip?

Dear Dave,

My husband and I get into arguments all the time over tipping the servers when we go to restaurants. He feels that everyone is morally obligated to tip because servers make below minimum wage. In fact, it got so bad the last time I had to bring our priest into the discussion. What do you think?

- Diane in Pittsburgh, PA

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Dear Diane,

You really brought a priest into the discussion to help settle it? Wow, at least I’m in good company.

You are NOT morally obligated to tip a server in a restaurant. The server has a choice to work there or somewhere else. If that waiter or waitress makes your experience pleasant and goes the extra mile to take care of you, then sure they deserve a great tip. Servers work hard and they deserve acknowledgment for a job well-done. But if everyone made a habit of tipping all the time or for BAD service, then no one would ever get good service again! Tradition has it that TIPS stands for “To Insure Proper Service.” All of that said, the rule I use on tipping is, “when in doubt, tip well.”

- Dave

My husband is too proud to take ANY job to support his family?

Dear Dave,

My husband has not worked in three months, and we’re close to losing our home. I’m working three jobs myself trying to keep us treading water while he’s waiting for “the right job.” I have encouraged him to continue doing this, but at the same time find a cash job like delivering pizzas or newspapers to help out, but I guess he thinks this kind of work is beneath him. Should I continue working or should I quit the really difficult job and let him take responsibility, even if it means losing everything? I love my husband, but this is driving me crazy.

- Paula via email

Dear Paula,

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When a guy, in particular, loses a job it’s a huge deal in his life. Many guys are task oriented, and if they’re not careful they start defining themselves by what they do rather than who they are.

When I went broke several years ago, I had to re-define who I was in my own mind. I lost my business and in many ways I looked at that company as who I was. My identity was suddenly gone. Guys suffer from that when they lose their job, and sometimes they also lose their courage to go fight again.

You two need to sit down with a good marriage counselor, and your husband needs someone he respects to slap him around a little bit because he’s confused as to why he works. There are two reasons we work, one is to provide for our families – that’s our primary job. The second reason is to exercise our calling, or the reason we were put on this planet. But you can’t accomplish the second one when you’re not doing the first one. You’ve got to make sure your family has eaten and has a place to live.?

Three months of a guy sitting on his butt in this situation is unacceptable. I don’t want to hear about a career path or that you’re too good or over-qualified. Get a job and take care of your family! I don’t care if it’s delivering pizza, cutting grass or shoveling snow. You might not find your dream job right away, but in-between you have to stand up, be a man and take care of your responsibilities.

Now, I understand that sometimes guys go through problems and need a sabbatical of some kind to work through the pain. I did some of that when I went broke, and there were days when I was no good to anybody. But at the end of the day I didn’t lose my home because I was just sitting around doing nothing. Even when I felt like a dog and had lost all my self confidence, I still crawled out there and killed and dragged home enough to keep peanut butter and jelly on the table.

It’s time for your husband to stand up and do something!

- Dave