Note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
“Bill! I am very disappointed in you.”
George Herbert Walker Bush certainly did sound let down as he spoke to his co-ex-president.
“After all the work we did on behalf of tsunami victims – godly work, I thought – and after we started so well on the relief of Katrina victims, you pull this,” he said.
“What? What are you talking about, George?” replied Bill, looking perplexed.
“You know very well what I’m talking about – and you can stop biting your lip,” snapped GHW. “You used the platform of our good works to score cheap political points for the Democratic Party.”
“Oh, that,” said Bill.
“Yes, that,” said GHW. “It was a betrayal of the principles of Christian charity I thought we both subscribed to when we undertook this campaign. A betrayal, Bill.”
“I suppose you could look at it that way,” Bill answered. “I’ll tell you what: Tonight, when I say my prayers, I’ll agree that what I did was a sin, and I’ll repent!”
GHW was bemused.
“Well, I … I … I suppose that’s something, but what good will it do, really?” he asked.
“What good!?” Bill appeared shocked. “What good? Why, it will remove that blot from my immortal soul, and I’ll be right with God again. How can you ask such an insensitive question?
“All I have to do as a Baptist is repent and reaffirm my faith in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, and I can greet the new day unblemished and whole. You should try it.”
“If you’re going to go churchy on me, I’ve got an appropriate response,” said GHW tartly. “What you’re talking about is what we Episcopalians would call ‘cheap grace … absolution without personal confession.’ You’re asking forgiveness without true repentance.”
“Who are you to say what true repentance is,” Bill responded hotly. “I read my Bible, then I get down on my knees and I say I’m really sorry for my sins. I vow to do better.
“Of course, that may depend on what your definition of ‘better’ might be, but I make the vow, just the same.”
“I wonder if I might butt in,” came a voice from the door.
“Dubya! Son!” exclaimed GHW. “I didn’t expect you until later today.”
Indeed, it was the current president of the United States, and he wanted a say in the ecclesiastical discussion.
“By all means,” said Bill. “We’d love to hear your views on this.”
“OK,” said Dubya, “you asked for it, and you’re going to get the Methodist view of your behavior. John Wesley said ‘religious’ acts like yours are ‘less than nothing and vanity’ because they don’t ‘actually conduce to the knowledge and love of God.’
“In fact, he said ‘they are an abomination before him, a stink in his nostrils.'”
“Wow! That’s harsh,” replied Bill. “I like our Baptist outlook better.”
“But, Bill,” said GHW, “Baptists also believe that your repentance has to be sincere. Baptists don’t believe you can just go through the motions. They believe that you really have to work at becoming a better, more godly person.”
“Sure,” said Bill, “but that depends on what your definition of ‘really’ is, and when I repent, I really mean it at the time. So it doesn’t last, so what?”
“Well, how long does it last?” asked Dubya, exasperated.
“Until I wake up the next morning,” Bill replied. “But I know I can start fresh the next time I say my prayers.”
“Bill,” sighed GHW, “I’m afraid you’re hopelessly incorrigible.”
“You should have known that when we first hooked up,” said Bill.
