Strangely enough, for the first time in my life, I was actually in a Wal-Mart a few days ago. Whoa! While I wish I were picketing, I wasn't. But it's not what you might think! Though I must admit to admiring, OK, coveting, that flat-panel TV on sale for $233 – it sure did look, well, tempting. No, I was at Wal-Mart attempting to perform an intervention to keep my fondest friend, known as "Freddy from Fresno," from shopping there.
Meanwhile, as I cross the Wal-Mart threshold and slink past the officially inane, um, Official Greeter – who really does seem to deserve a place in the officially inane Bush-Wah administration – I wistfully recall Philly Jobs With Justice's current initiative targeting the retail giant's egregiously exploitive policies. Next, I consider all those tireless citizen efforts across America to keep this cannibal corporation from ruining hitherto-idyllic communities.
Yes, being there, I feel like a traitor.
Nevertheless, despite my best intentions to the contrary, this brazen yet beloved person at the periphery of my life persists in his purpose and dares to buy two pairs of Wal-Mart workout pants, $8.99 each. While I admit I'm secretly horrified at his inadvertent chutzpah, naturally I fault myself. Although, I confess, I stop short of tackling him or flinging myself on the floor in front of him before he steps forward to the cash register. As for a full body block, that's really out of the question until I get more serious about my diet. Besides, I don't want to reinjure my trick knee.
Note to the feds or whomever's currently tapping my telephone: Guys, if that doesn't give you a sense of what kind of radical I really am, I'm not sure anything will.
Oh, well.
While I really adore "Freddy from Fresno" – his wit, his charm, his spontaneity, his zest for the moment – maybe, just maybe, sometimes I wish he were occasionally a teensy bit more like me, by which I mean capable of deferring gratification for several centuries if necessary. Me, I'm governed not so much by the White House as by my own internalized sense of repression.
Nevertheless, on this issue, he's unbending, and that's fine. In spite of myself, I wonder, what would Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher do?
During our drive back from Wal-Mart, his recent purchases occupying the seat between us, "Freddy from Fresno" patiently explains to me, in his clear, lucid, non-judgmental and conspiracy-free way, why Wal-Mart currently rules – because most Americans in this difficult era of economic challenge prefer purchasing for price rather than principles, pleasing their pocketbooks first.
And yet, sometimes there are terrible consequences to such seemingly simple choices.
- "Looking to buy a low-cost TV at Wal-Mart?" the AFL-CIO asks. "Better look again. That $60 TV may seem like a good deal, but ultimately, every taxpayer pays the price for Wal-Mart's cheap goods."
- "As the United States' largest retailer and largest employer, Wal-Mart," according to Jobs with Justice, "is a driving force in setting wage standards wherever its stores are located. Despite nearly $9 billion in profits, its wages are so low that many employees are eligible for food stamps. Even so, local taxpayers often finance Wal-Mart's expansion through tax breaks and development incentives."
This visiting-Wal-Mart brouhaha is a day after "Freddy" shows me the odd oval rug of his in shades of black, red and gold – how, when you stare at it from a certain angle, you notice the devil's smirking face staring right out at you.
He's right! I see it! Scary! Pure evil! "Get rid of that thing! " I urge "Freddy" with a shudder. Alas, he still seems too attached to part with it. Very soon, another guest, his good buddy "Pedro," would freak out majorly about the sinister rug being "too dangerous" to stay around. So, once and for all, "Pedro" throws it into the trash-bin outside.
Thank you, "Pedro."
Later, replaying "Freddy from Fresno's" urge to go shopping at Wal-Mart, I can only blame it on the rug.
The Devil-Rug made him do it!