Media startled, astonished, astounded

Editor's note: Michael Ackley's columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.

The year 2005 in review ... sort of:

American news media are astounded to learn that the United States government has been waging a propaganda campaign in Iraq, paying Iraqi journalists to run positive stories about coalition activities. The collective, incredulous reactions: "Who ever heard of a government using propaganda in time of war?" and "The American government is corrupting fine, ethical Iraqi journalists by paying them to plant stories – and it doesn't matter that the stories might be true."

The American news media are shocked to learn that the United States government is waging a propaganda campaign in America, paying columnists to produce positive articles about Bush administration policies. The collective reaction: "How dare the administration attempt to manipulate the American news media!"

Meanwhile, the New York Times sits for a year on a story about government monitoring of U.S. telephone calls to overseas locations – timing its release to coincide with the reporter's book publication. The news media are not shocked because, after all, it is their right under the First Amendment to manipulate the news.

Democrats, taking a public-relations beating after demanding a timetable for withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq, discover the words "plan" and "benchmark." "The American people deserve a plan for withdrawal, with benchmarks," says a party spokesman. Asked what "benchmarks" means, he answers, "a timetable."

Millions of Iraqis participate in parliamentary elections, raising prospects for the establishment of a stable government. American anti-war activists declare, "Things can still get worse – we hope."

The American Left demands that the United States abandon its unilateral policies in Iraq in favor of a multilateral approach.

The American Left demands that the United States abandon multilateral talks with North Korea – which has The Bomb – and switch to bilateral negotiations.

France's automotive industry gets a boost as the country's racist immigration policies come home to roost. Ghettoized Muslims riot, torching thousands of cars and trucks. The surprised American news media try to ignore the racial-religious component, attributing the unrest to high unemployment.

Sen. John Kerry no longer mentions France as a great potential ally in the Middle East.

The Catholic Church loses Pope John Paul II, widely regarded by the world community – secular as well as religious – as saintly. A close confidant of the late pope is elected to succeed him. The American news media pillory the new Pope Benedict XVI as a reactionary. Never mind that his policies are nearly identical to those of John Paul II.

Hurricane Katrina devastates the U.S. gulf coast, and the American news media are surprised to learn that rape and murder were not rampant in temporary shelters, that the flooded streets of New Orleans were not clogged with human corpses and that most of the poor folks who failed to evacuate actually owned cars or were offered rides out, but chose to stay.

Despite the hurricane losses, Louisiana not only retains but bolsters its claim to the title of "Most Corrupt State." (Prediction for 2006: Government engineers will spend millions of dollars to determine that if New Orleans' levees had been armored with just an inch of concrete, the city would have gotten its feet wet, but would not have suffered catastrophic flooding.)

Hot weather is blamed on global warming.

Cold weather is blamed on global warming.

Terry Schiavo is allowed to die of starvation. May she rest in peace.

Former presidential candidate Howard Dean becomes head of the Democratic National Committee and proves to be Terry McAuliffe without the charm. Republicans celebrate.

Bill Clinton finds a new "passion" – no, not that kind. He announces that he will crusade against childhood obesity. And the hamburger aficionado actually expects us to swallow that whopper.

The news media are confounded as the gross domestic product grows by a robust 4 percent, real income rises across the board and unemployment drops to the frictional level of 5 percent. Democrats declare that the economy is in terrible shape and the Bush tax cuts only help the rich.

John Kerry's undergraduate grade-point average proves to be lower than that of George W. Bush. The media are astonished.

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