I stand before you today to urge no more American celebrity birthings in remote foreign countries. Where will it all end? Just supposing some simple peasant decides to protest these over-privileged interlopers. Imagine the unhappy prospect of an unfortunate international incident erupting with an infant as fulcrum. Besides, I shudder to contemplate the mindless extremes and experiential excesses of the rich and famous themselves. What will they think of next – delivering their babies in outer space?
Giving birth? Experience the absolutely gravity-free non-atmosphere of our luxury Space Shuttle Maternity Module, which will eliminate virtually all labor pains, to say nothing of eluding those pesky paparazzi and other slime-ball stalkers.
I don’t think so. Er, I certainly hope not.
Gang, I can also promise you this: Unlike Brangelina and possibly even Britney and Kevin and doubtlessly a myriad of other copycat pregnant Hollywood stars, NEVER would I choose Namibia for the birth of my next child – or kitten or puppy, either, for that matter– should I have ever decided to reproduce, verb conjugation intentional. “Freddy from Fresno,” are you listening?
Probably not. Alas, it’s baseball season. Again. Yet. Still.
Meanwhile, like the rest of us burned out from rooting for “Team America – World Police,” lately I awaken every day very tense, worried and concerned:
- How will the leaders of my country embarrass me today?
- What official lies are they promulgating?
- What new evil greedy scheme for world domination will they launch?
- Will they ever stop throttling the poor to enrich the rich?
- How much closer have they brought the USA to the brink of nuclear nightmare and global catastrophe this week?
- Are they really sending mentally ill soldiers into war? Instead of the VA hospitals they are effectually dismantling?
- With 2,500 U.S. soldiers officially dead from an Iraqi war officially declared officially over years ago, still more blood’s being shed for oil?
- Speaking of which, where’s the official barrel price of oil TODAY?
- What about REAL research results actually implemented on alternative fuels?
- Why do “they” charge the consumer MORE for wind power?
- And, the whopper, come clean now, who REALLY killed the electric car?
It’s far too easy to cut and run. And yet, doesn’t it strike you as weirdly paradoxical – while immigrants can’t wait to descend on America seeking all sorts of avenues for success, the USA’s most stellar residents flee its supposedly “porous” borders, in search of trendy exotic refuges as birthplaces for their offspring outside the USA?
Can’t you see the bumper stickers and T-shirts now? Time to Stop Lying about the Lying-In!
But wait. Here’s a huge opportunity – a whole new potential American hospitality-service industry to develop – beckoning some savvy entrepreneur or alert venture capitalist. Yes! Why not create a chain of Celebrity Birth Theme Parks, closed, of course, to ordinary citizens? You know, like those spectacularly posh hotels catering to jaded wealthy tourists seeking a different “themed” room each night, without leaving Florida or the Poconos?
Why not have the pantheon of pregnant Hollywood deities simply hide in plain sight rather than outsourcing their offspring’s births – meaning, choose small-town USA, instead. Bring in live storks for local color. Think of it as another version of “Buy American.” Places so obscure they are totally below gawk-and-stalk-erazi radar: Show-Low, Ariz.; Jim Thorpe, Penn.; Farmingdale, N.J.; my friend “Veronica’s” sub-rosa B and B. You get the picture.
Otherwise, this chilling alternative beckons: another alarming quasi-medical development being China’s roving execution vans – ultimate punishment on wheels –which could just as easily be adapted to accommodate this alarming trend of hiding Hollywood babies … retrofitting the death fleet as opulent, upscale Mom Mobiles. Halt! This insidious fad must be stopped before it starts!
Stamp out maternity moon modules now!
Bad enough the Darth Vaderesque vehicles are, according to USA Today, used for lethal-injection executions in China, shuttling from town to town as a supposed “civilized alternative” to the firing squad, the method used in most executions there.
“Sigh. Bushco are probably drooling,” writes “Maggie the Brit,” not her real name, e-mailing from her New York state mountain retreat.
Too true.
Related special offer:
“Help! Mom! Hollywood’s in My Hamper”
