Long overdue: Minimum tipping law

Congress is working overtime to find a way to increase the minimum wage. On Saturday, House Republicans bravely pushed through the first minimum wage increase in years after tying it to a cut in inheritance taxes on big-dollar estates. OK, the Republicans are being clever in an election year: They take a minimum wage bullet out of the Democrats' ammunition belt, and make a deposit with contributors.

Brilliant politics in an election year!

In the past, I would have railed against such legislation as unconstitutional and harmful to the very people it is meant to help. Now, you can argue that the legislation is meant to help legislators, but must we be so cynical every time an election year rears its ugly head?

Today, I'm going to introduce a new me. A kinder, more gentle Rusty Humphries. A guy who just wants to get along and think the best of the folks who created the IRS, stopped us from drilling for our own oil and who pander to terrorist groups like Hezbollah every time Israel vigorously defends itself from unprovoked attacks.

But before I introduce a new piece of long-overdue, feel-good legislation to piggy-back on to the minimum wage law, let's quickly review the origins of the law that makes Congress forget about our Constitution and economics every time it is brought up:

The first attempt at establishing a minimum wage in the United States came in the early 1930s, when FDR liberals imposed a $.25-per-hour wage as part of the National Industrial Recovery Act. However, in a move that would shock and agitate today's Antique Media and their socialist friends in Congress, the United States Supreme Court declared the act unconstitutional, and the minimum wage was abolished.

But like most virulent strains of cancer, the minimum wage returned in 1938 in what was called, in rather bold and self-congratulating way, the Fair Labor and Standards Act – at $.25 per hour!

A quick side question: Is a "fair" minimum wage in New York City, a fair minimum wage in Hays, Kan.?

Now we all know supporters say minimum wages reduce exploitation, they can help ensure everyone can afford to live and they do not have negative effects on employment, or only very little. By the way, please don't be rude and ask for proof of any of this.

Look, I have grown tired of questioning the constitutionality of telling businesses how much they have to pay adults in a free society. I'm worn out fighting with the ignorant about telling "big-box stores," aka Wal-Mart, how much money they have to pay in wages and set aside for health care. Sure it's socialist, discriminatory, stupid and it flies in the face of everything our country stands for, but just as the lovely and talented Lili Von Shtupp sang in "Blazing Saddles" – "I'm tired!"

I give up and I give in. I want to swim with the current for a change.

With that backdrop, I take this occasion to announce the first and long-overdue "Minimum Tipping Law." I would like to have my name attached to this piece of ground-breaking legislation, but I am willing to share the glory with a couple of high-profile poll-i-ticians.

Here's the guts of the program: From now on, it will be illegal to offer or pay a tip of less than $5. My law covers all situations because it relies on the all-powerful Commerce Clause. This means tipping waiters, cabbies, lawn engineers (guys who cut and weed-whack your grass), strippers, bell-hops (are they still called that?), maids ... you name it, if you tip them, you can't tip them less than five bucks.

That is the rock-bottom minimum. This will be laughed at a few years from now, but $5 is a good starting point.

And don't give me that nonsense about how this will reduce tipping. What kind of a country do you think we live in? People will tip more because they will realize how cheap they've been in the past. They'll re-evaluate the importance of a good tip. I predict no harmful effects whatsoever.

And, I will offer no proof of this statement and I'll deny there is anything unconstitutional about it. This new "Minimum Tipping Law" will be so popular with liberals of all stripes; no one will dare challenge it. In fact, you make even one negative comment about my much needed legislation and we'll paint you as a cruel, cold, bitter, worker-hating, right-wing conservative.

I say without any smugness, whatsoever, that I am more compassionate than anyone reading this column because I was the first to recognize the unfairness of not having a minimum tip in place. But don't try to paint me as some kook. I will never support any movement for reparations for past-tipped employees who were exploited before I had this epiphany. This is working off a clean slate. What's done is done. But starting the day the "Rusty Humphries Minimum Tip Law" and the new minimum wage laws are passed, we can finally feel good about ourselves and go back to the hard work of driving Wal-Mart out of business and socializing the rest of our private sector.

Related special offer:

"Size Matters: How Big Government Puts the Squeeze on America's Families, Finances, and Freedom (And Limits the Pursuit of Happiness)"