The best laid TV-watching plans

It's 10 o'clock at night and since I live in South Florida, I'm sitting at my computer, surfing the Internet for news about Tropical Storm Ernesto. (By the way, did anybody else notice what a media-invented event Ernie turned out to be for us in the Sunshine State? But I digress).

The TV's on in the background but I'm not watching, just listening for the local weather updates.

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Before we take this any further, let me begin by confessing something. I'm a big TV watcher. I've unashamedly trained my toddler to fetch the remote, and I pity the person who comes between me and my TiVo. I watch it all – reality shows, news magazines, late-night movies. So even though I've never actually watched the show that's on in the background this particular evening, through "TV-addict osmosis" I'm able to ascertain that I'm listening to "Law & Order: SVU."

I'm vaguely aware of police-types questioning suspects about rape and other "entertaining" crimes, when suddenly, I hear it. The line the show's writers probably guffawed about, back slapped and felt sooo proud of themselves for "cleverly" coming up with:

"I needed to get laid."

My brain does a double-take and I hear the little voice in my head asking, "What the &$#@ was that all about?"

Suddenly, I'm aggravated. And I'm tired. Tired of all the garbage that spews out of my TV ... constantly.

And it's no longer a matter of turning it off or changing the channel, so if you're prepared to lecture, do me a favor and give that tired, old rant a rest.

First of all, I don't want to change the channel, thank you very much. I'm trying to find out if my storm shutters need to go up or not, if my house is going to flood and if it's worth my husband risking what's left of the cartilage in his one good knee to bring the patio furniture in from outside.

Here's the thing, I'm counting on my local NBC affiliate to fill me in on what kind of mood Ernesto will be in when he visits my neighborhood. Instead, the only thing I'm now sure of is that some character out there in TV land ain't gettin' any.

This is what it boils down to: Due to my desire to keep myself informed during a potentially life-threatening event, I am suddenly, without warning, vulnerable to the dirty, juvenile, disturbing, gross, inappropriate garbage I've allowed to enter my home.

It's on every channel, all the time. There's no escaping it.

And so, in response, I've instituted a self-imposed TV-show boycott, the scope of which is expanding at an alarming rate.

Example: I used to love the reality series "The Amazing Race." In fact, I think I was one of six people who watched the first season. But alas, the days of living vicariously through others as they travel the world are over, all because a couple of seasons ago, the show decided to refer to one of the teams as "married." There was just one little problem with that – the team was comprised of two men.

Sorry CBS, but as much as you tried to convince us, those men weren't really married now were they? And not only did the network choose to ignore the facts to make a political statement, CBS then tried to convince viewers it was so. If they say it, it must be true, right? I didn't like being manipulated like that. In fact, I hated it. So, now I don't watch "The Amazing Race" anymore.

The same goes for another former favorite of mine, NBC's "Medium." I liked to watch actress Patricia Arquette and actor Jake Weber, who play husband and wife, juggle their characters' careers and family life. I even TiVo'd the show, so I could rewind if the characters said something I might want to hear again.

And whad'ya know, just my luck, that's exactly what happened during an episode entitled "I Married a Mind Reader." Joe Dubois (Weber's character) walks into the bedroom late at night as his wife, Allison, a medium who helps law enforcement solve crimes, is sitting at a computer.

Joe: Whatcha lookin' for at this hour of the night? Drugs from Canada? A fast and convenient way out of credit card debt? A thicker, longer penis?

Allison: Oh! (she chuckles)

Allison is searching for information on the Internet about an actor in an old TV program about whom she had a dream. The sex organ comment was not relevant to the plot of the show (unless, of course, you count the Viagra commercial that likely aired during it).

Yep, the TiVo got a workout during that scene. I replayed it over and over again, trying to convince myself I was hearing things.

Needless to say, "Medium" is no longer relevant to my TV-watching repertoire.

Bottom line: My mother-in-law is right. (Whoa, did I just say that?)

You see, one of her favorite expressions is "garbage in, garbage out."

Which reminds me, I need to tell my husband to bring the trash cans in from the curb, lest Ernesto should live up to the breathless media hype!

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Felicia Dionisio is a news editor for WorldNetDaily.com.