America's father hunger

Are fathers irrelevant? Are they really the useless buffoons we see on TV? The irresponsible deadbeats the local DA says they are? The controlling abusers we see in domestic violence PSAs?

That's not the way Tim Russert's readers see them.

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Russert's new book, "Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons," is a surprise runaway hit, reaching No. 1 on both the New York Times best-seller list and on Book Standard's Overall Bestsellers Chart. In 2004, Russert published "Big Russ and Me" about his father and says he received an "avalanche" of letters from men and women who wanted to tell him about their own dads. "Wisdom" is largely a sampling of those 60,000 letters.

In heartwarming and heart wrenching stories, Russert's readers remember their fathers as strong, devoted and honorable. In the chapter "Daddy's Girl," one woman tells Russert that she was her "father's princess," and explains, "Growing up in a rural area of the Deep South could have been a harsh experience for a little black girl, but I was insulated by his love and tenderness." Another writes:

"When I was a little girl and my father put me to bed ... I had a litany of things I went through every night. 'Can I call you if I need anything? ... Can I call you if I get scared?' ... He would listen and say yes after each one, and I would fall asleep, secure that I was completely loved and cared for." Perhaps the book's most striking feature is the overwhelming outpouring of love from women toward their fathers.

Nonetheless, the significance of "Wisdom" goes far beyond that of a sentimental journey. Its success is a testament to the hunger so many Americans feel for what recent generations have lost – their fathers. The book's letters are overwhelmingly from baby boomers – perhaps the last generation of Americans who could ever be reasonably confident that they'd have a father in their lives.

The fathers in "Wisdom" are largely men of modest means who sacrificed greatly to provide for their families. "Wisdom" begs the question why, in one generation, have so many fathers apparently thrown off all their responsibilities and abandoned their children?

The answer is simple – most of them haven't.

According to a study of 46,000 divorce cases published in the American Law and Economics Review, two-thirds of all divorces involving couples with children are initiated by mothers, not fathers, and in only 6 percent of cases did the women claim to be divorcing cruel or abusive husbands. Divorcing women instead cite emotional reasons, such as a perceived lack of closeness or of not feeling loved and appreciated. Most of these men didn't fail as fathers – they only failed at the often difficult task of keeping their marriages together.

Once a marriage falls apart, fathers often struggle to maintain a regular presence in their children's lives. While shared parenting protects children's loving bonds with both parents, many family courts instead allow men only a few days a month with their children. Moreover, many divorced mothers resist co-parenting because they are unable to put aside or see beyond their anger and disappointment. According to research conducted by Joan Berlin Kelly, author of "Surviving the Break-up," 50 percent of mothers "see no value in the father's continued contact with his children after a divorce." Does this stunning finding reflect poorly only on fathers and not also on mothers?

Russert writes, "Growing up, I didn't know about families who were missing a father, because there weren't any in our neighborhood." Today over a third of American children are born into single-parent homes. Is this all men's doing?

The typical "Wisdom" family is supported by a hard-working dad whose sacrifices are understood and appreciated by his children. Though his work obligations sometimes cut him off from his kids' everyday lives, his place in the family is honored and respected, and he still manages to make a huge impact on his children.

Today that "Wisdom" dad has often been exchanged for a dad who's not in the home, and who works to support kids from whose lives he is largely barred. For our children, it's been a lousy trade.

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Mike McCormick is the executive director of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children.

Glenn Sacks' columns on men's and fathers' issues have appeared in dozens of the largest newspapers in the United States. He invites readers to visit his website at www.GlennSacks.com.