A voting primer

We all remember what happened during the 2000 election. Recounts, hanging chads and the stylus-challenged who unwittingly allowed themselves to be drafted into the Buchanan Brigades put the spotlight on more confused and panicked Floridians than the time during the war when magnetic chip rationing nearly prompted a statewide ban on Bingo.

In 2004, the Kerry campaign tried to ride this wave of lunacy all the way to Ohio, claiming voting ''inconsistencies.'' What was the inconsistency? John Kerry didn't win Ohio. That shouldn't matter now, for the senator is winning the hearts and minds of the troops serving overseas … what? Oh, never mind.

TRENDING: Is this what you voted for, America?

Now we find ourselves in 2006, with another election tomorrow, and the nation can ill-afford any more screw-ups or allowances of attempted election hijacks under the guise of ''disenfranchisement.'' This is why I've developed a short list of pointers and harsh realities for those of us who are voting this year.

Recognize them when you see them and act accordingly.

• If you're in front of a convenience store and a bus or van driven by a reverend-without-a-church tries to bribe you to go to the polls, do not board. Chances are this vehicle is being driven by somebody who's asking you to sell out one of your greatest rights and privileges as an American in return for a pint of Yukon Jack.

• Claiming you ''accidentally'' voted for anybody provides nothing to the country other than a reason why MTV's ''The Real World'' is still on.

• If you're only voting because Moby, Jennifer Aniston, the bald Tinker toy from REM, Woody Harrelson, Dave Matthews or Flea from The Red Hot Chili Peppers told you who to vote for, you're disenfranchising the rest of the country.

• Please think twice before voting for the Socialist, Greens, Communist, Workers, Natural Law, Jedi or any other political party which holds their national convention in the back dining room of a Denny's. This has nothing to do with philosophy, and everything to do with the fact that they're taking up space in line for nothing. Americans are in a hurry! How would these guys like it if a couple of us got in front of them in line at Hummus Hut, chit-chatted with the cashier for a while, then left without buying anything?

• Need relief from the stress? On Election Day, wear a pro-Republican T-shirt with six or seven ''I voted'' stickers on it and mill around the nearest Democrat office. This little joke tends to make liberals wet themselves like Wesley Snipes driving past an IRS office.

• If you're in a "Rock the Vote" movement and often wonder how it is that you can register people to vote by the bushel and yet Democrats don't have congressional control, remember this: Getting people registered to vote, and assuming they will vote, is as far apart as showing people how to fill out an astronaut application form and expecting them to be aboard the next Space Shuttle mission. Just because somebody registered to vote while they were drunk at a Pearl Jam concert is meaningless. Besides, Republicans go to Pearl Jam concerts too. Shh, don't tell.

• If you're under 40, and this is going to be your first time voting, it's nice that you decided to recognize and appreciate the freedoms provided us by the Constitution. If you're over 40 and this is going to be your first time voting – don't.

• How can you tell if you've ever been disenfranchised? Here's a simple test to take. Ask yourself if you're voting Democrat this year, or plan to vote at all. If the answer is ''no'' to either, then you're disenfranchised. Contact Jesse Jackson immediately so your rights are protected. Keep hope alive!

• Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but whichever candidate you choose will have no bearing whatsoever over whether or not Michael J. Fox can resume a normal acting career.

• You may have noticed that big-mouthed congressional liberals have been hidden away by the DNC like inside-the-beltway Easter eggs so as to avoid public reminder of what their real agenda is. With the exception of John Kerry's ongoing demonstration of a botched joke/lobotomy, there haven't been this many high-profile Democrats hush-hushing each other since RFK, JFK, and Marilyn Monroe thought they heard Jackie pull into the driveway. If you'd like to see this continue to occur preceding future elections, vote Republican.

Okay, it's almost time to vote. Good luck, America! See you at the recounts.

Related special offer:

"The Shadow Party: How George Soros, Hillary Clinton, and Sixties Radicals Seized Control of the Democratic Party"