An anonymous source at the New York Times – or was it the Washington Post? – no, I think it was a former Dan Rather staffer – passed along this invitation recently received by the nation's Speaker-in-Waiting.
To: The Honorablest Nancy Pelosi
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From: Scheherazade's Fine Burkas (makers since Medieval Times)
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Many congratulations on your soon-to-be assent to power upon the seat of the Great Satan!
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As I am sure you are aware, there are among your new constituency of subjects growing numbers of Muslim women. As a most-prominent woman who has achieved great things in her life, many of these devout women will look to you, Speaker Pelosi, as an example.
That is, alas, why I write to you. It is to make you an offer of a gift! Insomuch as the Great Satan is in the process of becoming a Muslim nation, you occupy an important position of example unto all women.
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Therefore, may your Speakership desire (and we most humbly pray that you will), we wish to make for you alone, a custom-fitted burka suitable for a woman who has attained your fine position.
While it is true that certain intimate measurements will have to be taken, rest assured that these will be performed by our most respected burka-tailors, eunuchs who were once ... oh, but I do digress. The important point is that you need have no fear of our tailors having any concern when exposed to your intimacies other than a royal fit for the leadership burka that we wish to present to you.
In addition to commanding the respect of all Muslim women, the burka will protect you, Madam Speaker. As I'm sure you have had occasion to read, if not to be exposed to (please do not take my meaning wrongly), Muslim men in particular may be driven into a state of excitement from which they can no longer contain themselves when exposed to women who are, well, exposing themselves in customary Western dress.
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It is almost unheard of for a properly burka-clad woman to draw any but the most worthy of attentions for her most excellent character and equally brilliant mind, whilst wearing most especially one of our custom-tailored burkas. This means that elevator-gropings and other public perversions in the Great Satan's Capitol building shall never happen to you, most Madam Speaker, whilst your very excellent form is protectively covered in one of our fine, tailored burkas.
While a Muslim man's passions are always calmed by the sight of a burka (those who assault a woman clad in a burka will rightfully be killed by her husband or own family members), alas, the same cannot be said for the legions of heathen males who still roam the streets of the unwashed Great Satan.
Accordingly, our finest, custom-designed burkas made especially for women forced to reside in non-Muslim countries will include certain provisions for carrying a somewhat smaller, feminine-sized beheading sword. This can be wielded with surprising speed, being easily withdrawn from its concealment within the burka and used to remove the head – or, if you wish to exercise compassion on the offender and spare his life – only another part of the offender's anatomy. (Such clarity of purpose, I would humbly point out, could also be useful in moving the Great Satan forward and down your legislative path, Madam Speaker.)
I trust that this offer will be received by your madamship in the spirit in which it is intended. We here at Scheherazade's Fine Burkas have only your best interests in mind, Madam Speaker. Do not pay attention at all to the naysayers who point out that women will be removed from leadership roles once America becomes a more Muslim nation. There will always be a place of leadership in the Muslim world for a woman dressed in one of our fine burkas.
I await only your word, Madam Speaker. For such an honor I pray, and will oversee the making of your burka with myself. So do telephone me, and Scheherazade's best eunuch-tailors will be immediately dispatched into your presence.
Yours in most sincere and humble service,
Naim Scheherazade III
Fine Burka Makers since the Middle Ages
Related special offer:
"The Life and Religion of Mohammed"
