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Welcome back, friends!
Yes, you survived 2006, the year we found out Hollywood legend Mel Gibson actually owns Malibu, Calif., and “the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.”
It was also the year people urged me to run for president after I suggested moving Florida’s alligators to the border with Mexico to serve as the new Border Patrol, one that has some real teeth.
 Florida gators stand in line to apply for openings at U.S. Border Patrol |
While I don’t have plans to run for the White House (at this time, as shyster politicians like to say), I’m proud to say I did finally learn this year how to correctly pronounce the president of Iran’s name. If you have trouble uttering “Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,” try this easy guide:
My-mood, I’m-in-a-Jihad.
OK, enough with the introduction, let’s reminisce about the wildest, weirdest, and funniest news stories of the past 12 months.
Snorer in the court!
It has been said justice is blind. In 2006, it was proven that the eyes of justice are closed for a more practical reason: cranky, old lady in need of her afternoon nap.
Here in the loftiest location in the land, the U.S. Supreme Court, there are no “embedded” reporters needed, because those presiding are embedded already.
 Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg taking case head on: Apply directly to the forehead |
I give you the case of Justice Ruth Bader Snoozeburg – I mean, Ginsburg – who was caught nappin’ on the job while listening to arguments.
Her trip to dreamland was apparently the highlight of the workday, as a court artist sketched an image of the infamous doze as Snoozeburg’s head became one with the bench.
Apparently, sawing wood at the high court is little cause for concern, as the Associated Press reported: “Justices David Souter and Samuel Alito, who flank the 72-year-old, looked at her but did not give her a nudge.”
Perhaps they knew what we all know: America is better off when Snoozeburg is out like a light.
This widely underreported incident prompted me to wonder if a whole new line of items could be sold in the gift shop of the high court.
There might be monogrammed pillows, featuring the initials of your favorite justice. Or how about making the famous black robes out of satin and selling them with slippers to keep you comfy as you prepare for bed?
Or, they might sell “Supreme Court Coffee,” the beverage that keeps eight of the nine justices awake.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just that working for the federal government is not incredibly exciting.
The folks at NASA were apparently smitten by the Snoozeburg bug, as they apparently reasoned, “If it’s good enough for the Supreme Court, it’s good enough for me.”
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 NASA workers at Marshall Space Flight Center resting up for their next mission (courtesy: NASA Watch) |
Insomniacs for Hillary
Should Hillary Clinton decide she’s running for president in 2008, she’ll likely win the majority of insomniacs.
 This 2005 photo of Hillary Clinton was just too darn good not to use again |
Perhaps inspired by Justice Snoozeburg, the Democrat senator from New York gave an “achingly dull” speech to the National Press Club, appearing to put some in the audience into “unconsciousness.”
Now, just to be fair, I was not there, so I cannot personally attest to the purported dreariness. But here is how Francis Harris of Britain’s Daily Telegraph put it.
The half-hour speech was achingly dull, a meandering lecture on energy policy which left the audience stifling yawns. …
There was a murmur of laughter but only minutes earlier some of those at the breakfast meeting appeared to have slumped into unconsciousness.
Others stifled yawns, held their chins in their hands or stared at the carpet or ceiling.
Love me like a rock
But wait! There’s more! For those who just can’t get their fill of Hillary, here’s a rock-solid report. The senator actually got busted, literally.
It turns out an artist who admits he once had the hots for the former first lady created a sculpture of Mrs. Clinton, to celebrate the idea that she could become the first woman ever elected president of the United States.
 Is Hillary’s bust more proof that all politicians are boobs? |
“I was very attracted to Hillary Clinton,” said sculptor Daniel Edwards. “So, it’s a no brainer for me.”
Not everyone was turned on by the artwork put on display at New York’s Museum of Sex.
“Folks, I can’t describe this to you,” radio’s Rush Limbaugh noted. “I could try but you just have to see this. It is the ugliest sculpture of anything I’ve ever seen. … The woman in this sculpture looks like she’s 104! It looks like Hillary as a cadaver.”
Wow. Comparing Hillary to a cadaver, even though she regularly appears to be at room temperature. Now that’s harsh. It could, however, give new meaning to the phrase, “Drop dead gorgeous.”
Lovable little fuzzball
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Speaking of Rush, the talk-show host raised a few eyebrows – and possibly other anatomy – when detained by police at Palm Beach International Airport for carrying Viagra prescribed in someone else’s name in his luggage.
This incident defines hard news, folks, and Rush kept his sense of humor about it.
“I’ve been racking my brain. I’m trying to figure out how Bob Dole’s luggage got on my airplane,” Limbaugh clowned. “I told the doctor, I said, ‘Look, I’m worried about the next election, not … ,'” as he left it to the audience to fill in the blank.
Rush wasn’t the only one rising to the occasion, as late-night comics stood firm in their coverage.
“Airport security found a bottle of Viagra in Rush Limbaugh’s luggage, so they held him up for three hours,” Conan O’Brien said. “Let’s all say the punch line together, shall we? So they held him up for three hours, and then the Viagra held him up for another three hours.”
Jay Leno uncorked a slough of wisecracks including:
- “Well, it’s Tuesday, or as Rush Limbaugh calls it, ‘hump day.'”
- “Airport officials said they first got suspicious when they noticed Rush couldn’t keep his tray table down.”
- “Here’s an interesting fact. Did you know this? Even when Rush Limbaugh is on Viagra, he still ‘leans to the right.'”
Obviously, Rush is indeed “having more fun than a human being should be allowed to have.”
Just plain nuts!
Limbaugh wasn’t the only Palm Beacher making pill-related news. His island neighbor, Janey Karp, sued Walgreens after reading notes on her prescription referring to her as “crazy” and “psycho.”
The 53-year-old fighting depression and anxiety with the help of medication was shocked to find a computer printout from her pharmacist with the insults.
In an entry dated March 17, 2005, the word “CrAzY!!” was entered in a field reserved for patient information. Another field from Sept. 30, 2004, stated: “She’s really a psycho!!! Do not say her name too loud, never mention her meds by names & try to talk to her when … .”
The remainder of the information was continued on another page, but was not included with the printout.
“I’m thinking they’re thinking here comes psycho, that they’re laughing at me as I come in the store,” Karp said. “I had enough trouble picking these [medications] up in the first place.”
A shot in the dark
A Colorado man who laughed when he first read Vice President Dick Cheney had shot a hunting companion was himself injured just hours later when he was accidentally blasted by his girlfriend in his own hunting mishap.
“I read that thing about the vice president and said to myself ‘How can you shoot your friend with your gun?’ And look what happened,” said Josh Kayser of Lafayette, Colo.
The 21-year-old genius was on the trail of raccoons that had been preying on chickens on his family’s property. As Kayser crouched down to look under a shed, his 17-year-old girlfriend crouched down behind him and accidentally shot him with a .22-caliber rifle.
There’s no truth to rumors he had just told her, “Aw, shoot, honey, I can’t reach the critters.”
But seriously, shooting people, especially friends, is hardly ever a good thing. It can lead to some folks being stereotyped as dangerous criminals. Even the vice president had to endure his share.
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When lunch flies
If commercials these days give you the urge to hurl, you’ll be happy to know airlines are now providing you not only a reason to spew, but a place to blow your chunks, all in one convenient, hand-held package – the air-sickness bag.
 Frequent flyer gives his opinion about new plan to put ads on barf bags |
That’s right, US Airways stepped up to the plate this summer with ads on barf bags.
“Having an advertisement for a barf bag, especially if it’s for something like Dramamine, now that’s brilliant,” said aviation consultant Michael Boyd. “Barf bags have a lot of shelf life – people aren’t barfing as much in planes as they used to.”
But some advertising analysts thought the airline should purge itself of the plan. AdRants called the motion-sickness notion “pointless and stupid.”
First off, when was the last time you puked on a plane or actually looked for or even found an air-sickness bag? Not a smart media buy if you’re trying to reach a crowd. Second, during the act of puking, are you normally able to focus on anything other than making sure you properly projectile the substance from your stomach? Oh, and third, do you really want to look at the bag after you fill it with puke?
So rich, and thick and chocolate
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Internet entrepreneurs capitalized on New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin’s comments about wanting his city to once again be “chocolate” – by selling T-shirts bearing the official’s image dressed as Willy Wonka.
“Chocolate Nagin,” as I dubbed him, stated:
“We ask black people … It’s time for us to come together. It’s time for us to rebuild New Orleans – the one that should be a chocolate New Orleans. And I don’t care what people are saying in Uptown or wherever they are. This city will be chocolate at the end of the day.”
Which reminds me, the next time I wish to warm up after a day on the ski slopes, I’ll have to ask for a large “Hot New Orleans” with marshmallows.
Potty talk
How many times has this happened to you?
You go to the rest room, start talking “bathroom talk,” and then get caught with your pants (or skirt) down, realizing your discussion has been broadcast into thousands of homes across America?
If you can’t really relate, just ask CNN’s Kyra Phillips, whose microphone was left on during a jaunt to the ladies room. The audio of her potty talk was aired simultaneously with a news conference by President Bush a year after Hurricane Katrina. The video can be seen here, and here’s the transcript [caution: some vulgarity] where she notably calls her sister-in-law a “control freak.”
 CNN’s Kyra Phillips wonders which other relatives she can best insult on national television |
To redeem herself, or make the humiliation complete, Kyra went on Late Night with David Letterman to personally deliver the “Top Ten Kyra Phillips Excuses Presented by CNN Anchor Kyra Phillips”:
10. “Still haven’t mastered complicated On/Off switch.”
9. “Larry King told me he does this all the time.”
8. “How was I supposed to know we had a reporter embedded in the bathroom?”
7. “I honestly never knew this sort of thing was frowned upon.”
6. “I couldn’t resist a chance to win $10,000 on ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos.'”
5. “I was set up by those bastards at Fox News.”
4. “Like you’ve never gone to the bathroom and had it broadcast on national television?”
3. “I just wanted that hunky Lou Dobbs to notice me.”
2. “OK, so I was drunk and I couldn’t think straight.”
1. “You have to admit, it made the speech a lot more interesting.”
When candidates attack
I know this was an election year, and, like you, I was sickened by how far the negative attack ads would go in candidates’ unquenched thirst for power. But I never thought it would get so low as to reach the battle for preschool class president. This ad, posted on YouTube, is evidence of just how undignified some office-seekers will become.
 Is this candidate for preschool class president giving his opponent the ‘Loser’ sign? |
Part of the attack ad states, “There are some things you might not know about Billy:
- He’s got small hands.
- Last year, he was given a timeout on four separate occasions.
- He can’t read!
- During his tenure as milk monitor, the price for chocolate milk reached all-time highs.
- His parents are divorced!”While that ad was an obvious parody, there was an apparent real-life smear campaign taking place in Colorado.
In the battle for a U.S. House seat in the 4th Congressional District, the campaign of U.S. Rep. Marilyn Musgrave alleged that a supporter of her Democrat challenger, State Rep. Angela Paccione, shoved dog doo through a mail slot of Musgrave’s office.
Dog doo gave new meaning to ‘dirty politics’ in 2006 campaign“This is June,” a Musgrave spokesman told the Rocky Mountain News. “It’s not October or November, and already we’re getting poop stuck in our mail box.
“It’s gutter politics. It’s digusting. It’s beyond mudslinging. It just does not have any place in politics. It’s unethical campagining.”
While the Democrats denied dropping the stool, their campaign ended up in the toilet, as the Republican Musgrave cleaned up.
Facing justice
A big congratulations goes out to law enforcement in Utah after finally snagging Salt Lake City’s Public Enemy No. 1, Curtis Allgier.
But, then again, how tough can it be to locate the most-wanted man when he looks like this? (Image being linked for dramatic effect, and to avoid traumatizing your children in perpetuity.)
According to KUTV television, Allgier was arrested at a hotel early in the morning after deputies spotted his girlfriend in the area and called in the SWAT team.
Girlfriend? This guy had a girlfriend?
Irony can be pretty ironic
Sometimes, the ironic twists life takes are too savory to even properly describe. Take the case of Jabeen Akhtar of Raleigh, N.C.
This young woman is a typical worker for the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. But she “went public” this Halloween in a newspaper column blasting women for dressing like sexy tramps for Halloween.
“They will be pretty hard to miss, because they will be everywhere – in thigh-high boots and mini-dresses, with toy accoutrements such as handcuffs, stethoscopes and whips. And lots of cleavage,” Akhtar wrote.
But Ms. Akhtar has a very unique name. So unique, in fact, that it rang a bell with us at WND. It reminded us what Jabeen does the rest of the year when she’s not telling gals to avoid dressing for sex.
It seems Jabeen hates the circus.
She hates it so much so, she gets darn near naked, paints tiger stripes on her skin, and cages herself on public streets. I kid you not.
Here’s an actual photo of Jabeen strutting her “stuff” as part of an anti-circus protest in Charlotte, N.C., in February:
Jabeen Akhtar doing her best to stop women from dressing like sexy trampsOne blogger had fun with the disclosure, asking:
- “What about the clowns? People forced to dress as clowns at circuses and act like idiots. When will the carnage end?”
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Check out the rack on that!
The news got even gamier in October, when a Minnesota man decided to take life by the horns, literally, and have sex with a dead deer he saw beside a road.
Gross, I know. But, what makes the story funny is that when he was charged with a crime, his attorney argued in Clintonesque fashion that his client wasn’t actually having relations with an animal, but merely a carcass, since the deer was already deceased.
According to the Duluth News Tribune, Public Defender Fredric Anderson argued: “When does a turkey cease to be an animal? When it is dead? When it is wrapped in plastic packaging in the freezer? When it is served, fully cooked?”
Jay Leno wondered, “Here’s my question: How ugly are the girls in that town? Remember the days when mounting a deer meant hanging one above your fireplace?”
Just remember this bizarre incident the next time your spouse says, “Yes, deer.”
Blow it out your —
OK, so you’re a 22-year-old British soldier who has just completed a tour of duty in Iraq, and you’re looking to blow off some steam. What do you do? How about shoot fireworks from your derriere?
That’s exactly what one young veteran did, igniting a Black Cat Thunderbolt rocket in his tush. Here’s how Daniel Kassim, 16, described the incident he witnessed at a party:
There were around 40 of us at a bonfire. After the fire had finished we were hanging around setting off fireworks. The lad was saying: “This is boring, what can we do?” He decided to put a rocket up his backside and set it off. Everyone was just laughing and didn’t believe he would do it but he pulled his trousers down, placed the firework and someone lit it.
It exploded within a few seconds and he fell to the ground. No one thought he was hurt, we all thought it was hilarious.
He stood up and walked for a few meters before stumbling and falling to the ground. There was blood coming from his bum. An ambulance was called and when they arrived they thought it was hilarious as well. No one really took it seriously.
Talk about your roadside bombs! The victim suffered a scorched colon, as well as a self-image left all numb and stinging.
John Woodhead, chairman of the Firework Association, said, “This sort of thing is beyond belief.”
Life’s a gas
While we’re bottom-feeding, this next guy just barely squeaked in under the deadline.
Inmate Brian Bruggeman: Walk softly, and carry a big stinkHis name is Brian Bruggeman, but the Nebraska inmate may get a nickname more like “Jack the Ripper” after constantly blasting his cellmate with flatulence.
Bruggeman, 38, was charged this week with assault on a confined person for allegedly passing gas repeatedly, resulting in a fight at the Lincoln County Jail.
Apparently cellmate Jesse Dorris couldn’t stand being inundated with “bad gas,” and was finally moved to a different cell out of nose-shot of Bruggeman.
But while inmates were lining up for dinner, Bruggeman reportedly backed up next to Dorris, and floated an air biscuit once again.
Bruggeman, who was originally serving just a 90-day sentence for violating a protection order, now has the opportunity to spend five more years treating fellow inmates to his very own “personal recipe.”
Song Chung Blue, Everybody Blows One
I can’t decide if this item is funny or simply tragic. Maybe a little bit of both, but I had to include it.
It’s the literal swan song of Connie Chung, who used the final moments of her and her squeeze Maurie’s weekend show on MSNBC to shatter all that is holy by attempting to sing what I think was supposed to be a song.
Connie Chung’s declares her career is the ‘the pits’ in her farewell ‘song’In case you didn’t see or hear it, click here to see Chung’s performance. Here are the lyrics:
Â
Thanks for the memories
We came to do a show for very little dough
By little, I mean I could make more working on skid row
That’s cable TV.Thanks for the memories
This half a year flew by
That Maury, what a guy
Instead of asking: Who’s the daddy? He could talk Dubai
How stunned were we allThanks for the memories
The thing I love the most
About hubby as co-host
Is all those other anchors were as dull as melba toast
The sparks really flewThanks for the memories
Now that the show is through
I’ve got bigger things to do
But Maury is back weighing in:
Fat babies, how taboo!
He can’t get enough.“I meant it as a private joke for our two viewers,” Chung told Jay Leno. “We did a lot of spoofs, so if you had been a regular viewer, you would have known this was a giant joke.”
“An assault on the sensibilities, you probably would say,” Leno responded. “I think you’re also the first network anchor, either male or female, to ever have their legs in the air.”
“I doubt it,” Chung said.
After “the incident,” About.com reviewer Daniel Kurtzman proclaimed, “The competition is over. Connie Chung is officially the worst singer in the world.”
Others on the Internet noted:
- “Wasn’t there anyone at all who could have prevented this? I mean, she must be a first-class b—- if all the people who participated in this didn’t pull her aside and whisper in her ear that she looks exactly like a soused old Filipino drag queen here. Oy.”
- “Word to Katie Couric: think about doing something similar when you leave the CBS anchor chair.”
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The camera takes off 10 pounds, and then some
And speaking of Katie, I don’t know what it is about the media that entices them to alter photographs, but it seems they’re addicted to it.
Last year, it was USA Today making Secretary of State Condi Rice look like she was possessed by weirding out her eyes.
This year, it’s CBS News, the same folks who stood by phony documents about President Bush. But now that Dan Rather has left the eyeball network, the new gal in town is part of the shenanigans. Yes, friends, CBS has found a way for Katie Couric to drop pounds more rapidly than her ratings. It’s called Photoshop.
Life imitates Photoshop as Katie Couric sheds viewers almost as fast as her blubberThe network took a publicity photo of Princess Perky and worked its weight-loss magic by electronically trimming her waistline and even darkening her suit.
Now, if they’d only share their technology with ABC, so Rosie O’Donnell wouldn’t appear to take up 90 percent of the television screen on “The View.”
The whole idea of photographic weight loss is really quite fascinating.
You never know how far the network might go in making its anchor chick more hip (and more clavicle and scapula, for that matter).
I mean, who’s to say Katie Couric would ever be thin enough to please the jokers paying her multi-million dollar salary? Don’t be surprised if you someday see images of Katie looking something like this:
Katie Couric showing off her ‘Ratings Plunge Diet’?That pretty much wraps it up for 2006. And speaking of wrapping, can someone please get some underwear for Britney Spears?
I never thought I’d live to say that her soon-to-be ex, Kevin Federline, had more class than Britney. But if he were the one displaying his “babymaker” in public, you can bet he’d be sporting an orange jumpsuit in a hurry.
One final note for Michael Richards, the comic who played “Kramer” on “Seinfeld.”
I heard the KKK may be hiring in 2007. No hood necessary.
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