Recently, John Kerry was being interviewed by Larry King, and as it happens this was at the same time I was re-reading a book called “The Enemies List” which was compiled by P.J. O’Rourke for The American Spectator years ago. As Kerry was trying to dig his way out of a “botched joke” hole with such vigor that he was about to strike the earth’s mantle on his way to China, I ran across the chapter in the book entitled, “Commies: Dead but too dumb to lie down.”

I looked up at Kerry, and it was as if the gods of fortuitous timing were throwing a wink my way. The chapter title, most of it anyway, was the perfect description of what has become of John Kerry’s presidential aspirations.

The next election is a little less than two years away. I have no idea who the nominees will be, but I do know who they won’t be. One thing is certain: John Kerry will not be among the finalists for the Democrat nomination.

Kerry is “still assessing the impact of his ‘botched joke’ on his prospects for ’08.” This is like Michael Richards assessing the impact of his botched rant on his chances to be president of the NAACP – It wasn’t going to happen anyway. Sorry, John.

Oh, how the flighty have fallen.

In 2004, Kerry came back from a distant third to win in Iowa, he had killer hair, and, most importantly, among core party voters, he had the only thing that they were looking for in a candidate: he wasn’t Bush.

According to polls before either party’s convention, the race between Kerry and Bush was a dead heat. This was the time for Kerry to make his move. Speculation swirled around who would be Kerry’s choice for a running mate. Would it be Hillary Clinton? Dick Gephardt? Would John McCain cross over? Kerry decided to add some youthful integrity to the ticket, figuring that nobody exudes this quality to Americans like a senator and attorney, if you’ll pardon the redundancy. A fellow wealthy liberal lawyer from an Eastern Seaboard state with a meticulously cared-for coif, Kerry’s choice of John Edwards as his running-mate was like adding salt to caviar.

The Democrat convention in Boston in ’04 didn’t help matters. It was like a USO show in reverse – during a national chloroform spill. The entertainers were in the crowd, the troops were on the stage, and everybody else was fast asleep. Things got even worse shortly after the Dem gathering, when pollsters observed that, after an entire week of speeches and rallies, the biggest convention ”bounce” any Democrat enjoyed was at a fundraiser and involved Alyssa Milano and a trampoline.

Kerry, of course, lost to Bush in ’04, though I do believe some recounts are still being conducted in dusty corners of out-of-the-way polling places by chad-covered denial-addled activists.

After the loss, Kerry went back to being one of the biggest lefties in the Senate, which you can get away with when you’re from Massachusetts, but it still doesn’t work nationally.

Kerry’s ”botched joke” is only the final nail in the coffin of his presidential hopes. There were and are many others, not the least of which is his wife.

Frankly, on the likability scale, Teresa Heinz Kerry somehow manages to rank just below ”genital herpes.” Elitist and preposterous meanderings, such as saying that Laura Bush has “never had a real job,” must have made teachers, librarians and mothers everywhere rejoice to discover they’ve never had to work in their lives. Heinz Kerry later said she was sorry, but, just like an Ike Turner apology, it’s tough to accept because you know that, tomorrow, another slap is coming – such as when she told a reporter to “shove it” for accurately quoting her. The 2004 election may have been the first to be lost due to a candidate’s wife. At the polls, a few voters might have decided that America needed a ”First Lady,” not a ”Mommy Dearest.”

Other John Kerry factors, such as accusing U.S. troops of terrorizing women and children in Iraq and any other number of insulting things the senator has said, are sure to keep him from having another chance. Kerry might have had a better chance at the Democrat nomination if he hadn’t spent the last couple of years writing ad copy for the Republicans.

The saddest thing about John Kerry is that the last person to realize that he has no chance of ever being president of the United States will be John Kerry. If this particular ”botched joke” wasn’t so much fun to watch, I’d suggest an intervention at the next available Nantucket cotillion.


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