It is a time for new beginnings. Both Saddam Hussein and the Republican Congress are recently deceased, and it is arguable as to which demise will be lamented less. And although the Iraqi occupation remains in the hands of the commander in chief, no doubt the newly empowered Democrats on Capitol Hill will be searching for ways to bring about the end of a democratic experiment that has thus far proven to be a complete failure.
But perhaps we should not be too hasty to throw out the infant Iraqi republic with the Ba'athist. The failure of the neocons' World Democratic Revolution only proves that allowing half-civilized people without a tradition that respects human liberty to vote will result in the election of a half-civilized government that doesn't respect human liberty.
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This is not exactly surprising, and happens to be precisely why the 19th Amendment should be repealed post-haste. But that is a discussion for another day ... back to Iraq.
Throughout recorded history, there have been two successful models of military occupation. The British model involves sending out a very small number of upper class, classically educated young men to subdue and govern vast quantities of unwashed natives, who are so astounded by the breathtaking arrogance of these young men that they peaceably submit to their benign, tea-drinking rule.
Since American universities do not provide classical educations and most American men have been rendered quivering jellyfish by 16 years of feminist indoctrination, this is not an option. America's young feminists do possess a clueless arrogance in sufficient quantity, but throwing bitter patriarchy-hating harpies into Iraq's predominantly patriarchal societies strikes one as akin to combining tritium with deuterium, only more explosive. And while the thought may have a certain anarchic appeal to the more mischievous mind, it simply would not be responsible and therefore we put the notion aside, however reluctantly.
This leaves the other occupational model, that of the Romans. This model was rather more successful than the British one, since instead of relying upon afternoon tea rituals and a complete absence of perspective, it merely required slaying vast quantities of men, enslaving vast quantities of women and children, and establishing large quantities of settlers on the occupied lands. This worked rather well, as evidenced by Roman settlements stretching from Hadrian's Wall to the Persian Gulf.
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If one compares the Roman success with the failures of other, similarly ruthless invaders who did not shirk from the slaying and enslaving bits, it is clear that it must be the settlement aspect that is the decisive factor in establishing a peaceful and enduring occupation. The problem here is that Americans are not exactly clamoring for upscale condominiums overlooking the Euphrates. So where, then, are these prospective settlers to be found?
Well, there just happen to be 12 million or so illegal aliens who don't happen to have any right to be living in the United States. And since they came looking for the opportunity to live under the American rule of law, why not give them the opportunity to legally do so ... in Iraq? Given the $378 billion cost of the war, the country can clearly afford a $1,200 plane ticket and a $30,000 river view villa for every ''undocumented immigrant'' in America.
It's a win-win for everyone, a positive stroke of genius! Everybody gets what they want: American citizens won't have to put up with a plague of illegals committing crimes, stealing benefits and lowering wage rates, illegal immigrants get a chance to make a new start and work legally in a U.S.-run society, Iraqis get Mexican food and the chance to participate in a booming real estate market and the terrorists get someone new to declare jihad against.
President Bush gets a legacy of massive achievement, the neocons can escape blame by pretending that this was their plan all along, Democrats will have a whole new society to experiment upon and Republicans will have a whole new set of Democratic social experiments to complain about. Everybody's happy. And best of all, there's no need to violate anyone's constitutional rights in the process!
Naturally, this means that Frosty the Snowman and his friends will be hanging Satan and colonizing Hell before any serious politician gives the idea a moment's consideration. So, we can all look forward to more Mexican settlements here in the United States, the jihad taking over for the secular Ba'athists in Iraq and the Lizard Queen ascending the Cherry Blossom Throne in 2008.