As of today, two of the most fervent and high-profile purveyors of the ”man made global warming” theory are Al Gore and Nancy Pelosi.

Fortunately for Gore and Pelosi, help is on the way because somebody else is relying on a different way to ”save the planet”: good old-fashioned greed.

The Chairman of the Virgin Group, Sir Richard Branson, with Al Gore at his side, announced a $25 million prize for the person who comes up with a way of extracting greenhouse gases from the atmosphere. The challenge is to find the first viable, in an incredibly large-scale way, method of capturing and removing carbon dioxide from the air. One can only hope that Mr. Branson saved enough money to fund a subsequent contest for the first person who can figure out how to resuscitate dead plants and trees.

Okay, I’d like to go for my share of the prize right now. Here are some ways to reduce greenhouse gases (there are only three broad steps as of now, so I won’t accept more than $10 million from Branson – I’m not greedy).

Step 1: Ground all Virgin Atlantic flights immediately. On average, 747’s burn about a gallon of fuel every second – or five gallons per mile. That’s 36,000 gallons over the course of a 10-hour flight. True, assuming the plane is fully loaded with passengers, that’s about a hundred miles per gallon per person – while pretty good mileage, it’s still an awful lot of fuel bilge going into the atmosphere. We’re being told that flying is the fastest growing source of greenhouse gas emissions. Charity starts at home, as does saving the planet.

I’m assuming that those rockets for Branson’s planned commercial space flights on ”Virgin Galactic” aren’t very fuel efficient either, so obviously that’s out of the question.

Step 2: Have Gore and Pelosi zip their mouths. Not so much because of the excessive and unnecessary CO2 emissions as much as they harm the movement with their hypocrisy.

Planned concerts to ”save the planet,” like Goreapalooza, will have to be put off as well. Massive ”save the _____” concerts are like Michael Moore trying to do a push-up; they burn huge amounts of energy and make lots of noise, but rarely seem to get anything of substance off the ground.

Al Gore says he believes global warming is a threat greater than terrorism. This must mean that we can soon expect the new terrorist tactic to be leaving SUV’s running instead of blowing them up.

Too bad Gore didn’t see global warming coming years ago, when Al and family gained money and power from Occidental Petroleum, and no doubt vice-versa. Then of course there is Gore’s self-described ”carbon neutral” lifestyle, which includes three large homes and a private jet to fly around promoting his film ”An Inconvenient Truth.” Heaven help us if Al Gore falls off the ”carbon neutral” wagon – he’ll suck up more energy than a black hole full of Oreck vacuums and the rest of us will be reading his apocalyptic warnings by dim candlelight.

Speaker of the House Pelosi pledged just last month to stop global warming. Almost immediately after making that pledge, Pelosi said that she needs a personal shuttle – a private Boeing 757 to be exact – to go between Washington, D.C. and her plastic surgeon/home in California, which would cost John Q. Taxpayer $300,000 a pop. Oddly enough, one of Pelosi’s top contributors is Occidental Petroleum.

If Gore, Pelosi and the rest really do believe in the global warming warnings they’re tossing around like baseballs at spring training, then they’re resting the hope of saving civilization on controlling what the rest of us do, and history books will ironically record this fact: those who were the most vocal about saving the drowning planet were the very people throwing it anvils.

This isn’t surprising, since when we hear Gore, Pelosi, et al, begin a sentence with ”We need to …” it’s important to remember the definition of the word ”we” in the liberal dictionary:

We: (pronounced ”wee”). Plural pronoun meaning ”everybody except me.”

This brings us to Step 3: Change the definition of ”we” from ”everybody except me” to ”everybody including elitist demagogues.” Instituting this alteration should only take a few thousand years, but will go a long way toward lowering the level of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere.

There you go, Mr. Branson, and you’re welcome. I accept Visa, Mastercard, PayPal or cashier’s check.

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