Entertainment Nation: Vote this way?

So, let's do it. If "American Idol" has really seized the nation's attention span the way its devotees insist, why not stage a similar and even more over-the-top televised competition with the "prize" being the American presidency. Instant yes/no voting by viewer-citizens via telephone text messaging will banish rampant election fraud!

Call the campaign series "American President" or "American Presidential Survivor," a combination of "American Idol," "Survivor," the Miss America Pageant, "Lost," "Nip-Tuck," "Fear Factor" and "The Apprentice," with a smattering of Jerry Springer and a modicum of Maury-who's-your-daddy-DNA-stuff tossed in for good measure.

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The contestants could really duke it out, while The Donald moderates, rather than Brit interloper Simon Cowell or that ilk, because, well, after all, we already did declare our independence from British interference in our political process several centuries ago, didn't we? Since "American Idol" lasts an entire viewing season, surely we could string out this president dog and pony show, providing a properly nuanced sense of the warp and woof of these wannabes.

"THAT is fantastic and funny," says a famous investigative journo.

Each night there could maybe even be a different show concept – Presidential Fear Factor, Presidential Survivor, ending up with Lost President, blindfolding them and spinning them around in the middle of nowhere. Whoever finds a microphone and a TV camera first wins that round.

Seeking a broad spectrum of ideas, I surveyed a geographically diverse cross-section of dedicated LEFT-HANDED readers for their suggestions, and urged them to pick a pseudonym so Homeland Security doesn't lock them in a cellar somewhere!

Here are their responses:

I think they're already doing it: The Bozo Invitational. – TJ, screenwriter

Do just one show, asking each candidate what they'd do about Iraq, and then have the viewers vote. Wait – why not have "Skating with the Candidate" – Hillary and Obama have to skate with the citizens, and whoever stays up the longest wins. –"Freddy from Fresno"

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Ha! I thought that was what the primary season was for – but the contestants were just too plastic and sound-bit for us to pay attention! Seriously, it isn't a bad idea – put the whole thing on TV, without the press spinning things for us. And if we need a moderator, can we have Gwen Ifil? She had the cojones to tell Cheney to put a sock in it during the VP debates. – Mandy, spoken word artist

Gosh, what a fab idea! But why The Donald? Why not, say, Ralph Nader? After all, everybody loves seat belts and salmonella-free food and considers Nader incorruptible – why not let him run the show? Oh yeah, he'd be the best contestant. The criteria could be: Who can end poverty the quickest? Who can provide health care for all Americans? Who can rebuild New Orleans fastest and get us out of Iraq? Who can come up with more better cheaper alternatives to oil? Who can prevent more abortions without depriving women of the right to choose? Who can design a public school that would teach kids to read, write and think for themselves? And do algebra? Who can come up with a foolproof formula for clean water and air? The possibilities are endless. – Caryama, importer

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The first thing that comes to my mind is the Pat Paulsen for President thing, remember? From the Smothers Brothers television show. Man, I used to love that show, and Paulsen was so funny. I'd better stop; I don't want to get locked in a dark cellar somewhere! – Aidan, culturati

Frankly, I think voting for American Idol should come with automatic voter registration also. – Lolly, astrologer

Of course, it could be called "American Idle" since NO ONE, except criminals, would vote for ANY of the candidates if they weren't so lazy in getting informed. And ... is Bert Parks alive or dead? Either way, the host, eh? He could be in an ornate coffin anyway, on stage, singing "Here He/She comes, Mr/Madam President!" Mucho suerte. – Dan, editorial cartoonist

I like it! And one season is perfect for the [American] attention span. Of course there would have to be auditions (after an initial off-screen audition) so that we get the best and the worst candidates. The merely mediocre go back to oblivion. Each applicant gets one minute to tell the world why he/she should be president. The 20 finalists get to do the week-by-week thing, where they have to perform each week, [while] We The Viewers get to vote – as often as we want! They can talk on issues, debate a 4-year-old, enter a wrestling contest to prove how slippery they are, give us examples of presidential sleight of hand, etc. Criminal records are no bar, in fact they'd fit right in. Bottom line – couldn't be worse than the current system of fraud, nepotism and corporate sponsorship. Hmmm, maybe they should all be shut away together – not in a fancy hotel, tropical isle, cruise ship, corporate empire, etc., but in a large public housing building in North Philly or Harlem or some other city. Four of them to an apartment. And only food that can be obtained in the 'hood at 'hood prices. If they need medical attention they have to go to the ER and wait [for hours and hours like the rest of us]! Remember, vote early and often. – "Maggie the Brit," healing activist

Swimsuit competition and talent show? Oh, wait – how about "Dodge-Ball Press Conference"– if the reporter hits the candidate with the ball, the candidate [MUST] answer, and if the reporter doesn't like the answer he can get a free throw. Something like that. I was also thinking of an eating contest (eating words or crow), but I'm not sure how to develop that. Feel free, if it's useful. – Shanah, legal secretary

Now, for the most elaborate, from Magdalena, illustrator:

Battle-Stars Politica? Battle of the Politicians? Last Man, or Woman, Standing? ... LOST – Totally? American Idle? or Addled? "Presidential Survivor" – in which we take the heads of state around the world and let them battle it out instead of thousands of soldiers on the battlefields. Less lives would be lost and if some politician doesn't survive – who cares? It would become survival of the fittest. Gee, if these heads of state had to be the ones to risk their neck for other countries that can't get along, maybe these guys would try to find another way to settle their differences – like mind their own business?!

Imagine "Presidential Fear Factor" in which each presidential hopeful is given a disgusting task like actually having to get medical treatment WITHOUT insurance. Going one-on-one with a screaming Hillary Clinton while clinched in a stranglehold, lifted up and body slammed down onto Nancy Pelosi, much in the style of wresting. Half the team would wear red, the other blue, as they strut and puff and tout how they're going to save the world from global warming as they tour the U.S. in their gas-guzzling SUVs and private jets. Theme song to the tune of "The World is Black, The World is White" – The world is cold, the world is hot, is it global warming or is it not? Make up your minds. Oh, gag – can you see the presidential hopefuls in the swimsuit competition? I think we need not see anyone in the Borat thong (Google it). Whee! – Magdalena, illustrator

And my personal favorite, from Adelaide, editor and lapsed archaeologist:

Caged combat, of course. One of those no-holds-barred gladiator fights where the contestants are locked in a big cage with no way out.

Radical? Perhaps. But this is a proposal whose time has definitely come.